Why Can't the Church Just Get Along? A Review of Redeeming Church Conflicts

Perhaps nothing is more stressful to a pastor's wife than a conflict within the church. Not only does she have the heart-wrenching experience of seeing her Christian sisters, spiritual mothers, and precious daughters-in-the-faith quarrel and fight with one another; not only does she hear murmurings (or, worse, sudden silences) as she walks down the hall on Sunday mornings; not only does she have to carefully guard her own tongue and actions at every minute to promote peace and avoid escalating the problem; she also helplessly watches conflict's toll on the church's pastor, her beloved husband.

Thankfully, over my years in various churches, the conflicts have been few. But every church faces conflict to some degree, and each of us could use help to navigate those situations.

This is why I was so thankful to receive a copy of Redeeming Church Conflicts: Turning Crisis into Compassion and Care by Tara Klena Barthel and David V. Edling. This recent reprint (it was originally published by Baker in 2012) is a gift to the church for its clarity and biblical wisdom.  

To someone in the middle of a church conflict, the complex knot of spiritual and material issues, contributing factors, and personalities can appear impossible to understand, let alone untangle. As emotions rise and hope sinks, everyone in the church experiences distress, and, amid the confusion and hurt, a positive path forward often seems unclear. In this book, Barthel and Edling (both experienced conciliators/mediators) offer a warm, biblical, and careful roadmap for navigating church crises.

Although we might be tempted to think of church conflict in terms of the immediate crisis (or what Barthel and Edling call "the presenting issues"), the authors encourage us to see conflict through the lens of God's bigger purposes for his church:

"Redeeming church conflict is less about resolving specific problems than it is about seeing conflict as a means by which God is growing his people into true saints, true eternal children who are being continuously conformed to this holy image." 

While not ignoring the specific, material concerns that are the public face of church conflict, the authors very helpfully remind readers that much more is actually at stake. Lest we begin to think the expensive new building project, the Sunday school curriculum, or the feuding individuals are the biggest issue we need to consider--and then "solve"--they constantly point us to the greater importance of God's glory and the good of our neighbor.

Only with this eternal perspective can churches begin to untangle the knot of obvious issues. To do this, each chapter uses the pattern of the church in the book of Acts (especially Acts 15) combined with specific contemporary examples from the authors' mediation cases to define and illuminate a path toward church healing.  Readers of material from Peacemaker Ministries will recognize many of the same helpful principles, applied here to a church setting.

As a pastor's wife, I was particularly challenged by the authors' reminder that no one is "neutral" in a church conflict. As righteous (and safe) as it might sound to say, "I'm just staying out of it," Barthel and Edling admonish their readers: "You are either part of the solution or part of the problem--there can be no fence-sitting. Avoidance may feel better in the short term, but it will never help any of the people involved to grow in grace. . . ."

Perhaps surprisingly for a book about sin and its fruits, these pages are filled with hope. Through the words of Barthel and Edling, church members and leaders will begin to see their conflicts as opportunities for the glory of God. And whether your church is currently in the midst of strife or proactively seeking to avoid it in future, this book is an excellent guide.

____
Barthel, Tara Klena and David V. Edling. Redeeming Church Conflicts: Turning Crisis into Compassion and Care Reprint: Hendrickson, 2016.

I Have the World in my Backyard

As I see athletes from all over the world gathering in Rio for the Olympics, I am reminded of the visitors from abroad that live not far away from me. Many come to my region from around the globe for employment or a university education.

Some internationals are from places none of us will ever be able to visit. I ask myself what I am doing with this opportunity to mirror Christ and His love to those I meet.

Some of my church's members recognize this migration as a chance to minister. For example, they held English as a second language (ESL) classes at the church. Many of their Asian, European, Middle Eastern and Latin American students were associated with a nearby university.  Now, our church is changing directions slightly and becoming friendship partners with international graduate students via International Christian Fellowship (ICF) at the same school.

In the past, individuals in the church were paired with students from other countries, through a process similar to ICF's. Activities included inviting them to a home cooked meal, teaching the adults to drive or taking them to an international food store. My husband and I were friends with a Korean couple as part of that effort. One main avenue of testimony was to share our lives with the two of them. We also tried to show them, by example, what a Christian lifestyle looks like because internationals might equate the words and actions of actors on American TV with what Christians do.

In another type of outreach, one church member developed relationships with some internationals who visited his produce stand. After he got to know them better, he gave them God's word in their own language when they expressed interest.

A training class that I took for international ministry stressed showing Christian love, but it did not recommend encouraging our friends to depend on American Christian friends for everything. Instead, it advocated praying for opportunities to point others to Christ; he is the only one who can meet the deepest needs of people from any nation.

Having a heart for internationals is worthwhile, but it requires a shift in thinking for some of us. I, for one, grew up in a very homogeneous culture, eating only Middle American food, seeing no other skin colors beside white and believing there was no reason to live anywhere else in the world. However, through the small steps I have taken to reach out to other cultures in the name of Christ, I have been blessed.

I am thankful for itinerant missionaries who went out of their way to make occasional visits to my small home church. Although I was a child at the time, I could see that they had a genuine faith. Motivated by a love for God and an understanding of the plight of man, the missionaries had a vision for a world that needs the Gospel. These men and women gave me an excellent starting place to leave my comfort zone and get out into the "world" in my backyard.

Great Expectations in Ministry

Expectations are tricky things for pastor's wives. People in our congregations assume that we should act or think in a certain way, and we expect the same of them. Christians get into trouble when we take our focus off Christ and the truth of the Bible.

The scriptures tell us about the marvelous hope we have in God and the benefits of knowing Christ. They also show us how we ought to live with the power of the Holy Spirit to help us. However, we are not assured that our ministry will be always successful and without any pain. As much as the world tries to convince us, humans cannot expect to create their own perfect reality.

In a June 21, 2016 article on The Gospel Coalition website, Senior Editor Jeff Robinson writes about the "poison ivy of self-centered expectations" that he had for his church as a rookie pastor. He built a fictional church in his mind that was quite successful, filled with all agreeable people and void of much that caused him anxiety. Although this piece is written with pastors in mind, it has application to their wives, as well.

Robinson gives six reasons why having such great expectations for a church is lethal. For example in reason two, he says that the pastor can become disappointed when reality doesn't live up to fiction. According to Robinson, when you try to reach a standard that neither you nor your congregation can meet, "you will be frustrated with them, and they will be frustrated with you." Instead, he says, "...you are called to love the congregation you have, not the one you desire."

"6 Ways a Fictional Church May Wreck Your Ministry" is good advice for those who are right out of seminary as well as those people who are discontented with their current church and want to leave. Robinson gives convincing reasons why we should not create what he calls a "ministerial Disneyland," which has no basis in reality.

According to TGC's website, editor Robinson is also a church planter. In addition, he is a senior research and teaching associate for the Andrew Fuller Center for Baptist Studies and adjunct professor of church history at Southern Seminary. His article was accessed on July 4, 2016.

Whatever Your Hand Finds to Do

Even when converts are few or the church is small, the work of ministry must be taken up. In such situations, my specialized skills are not as valuable as my willingness to do whatever needs to be done. I have to roll up my sleeves, and answer God's call with the strength He gives.

My experience in a small church taught me that a journalism degree has little use when I am tasked with scrubbing toilets. Ditto housing and feeding the conference speaker. If a nursery scheduler was needed, it was up to me. When a VBS refreshment organizer was lacking, I did it.

I am not a super woman. In fact, I admit to my share of grumbling about the sacrifice required in my role as a pastor's wife. I do many things in my own strength and get overwhelmed. These attitudes do not automatically go away when the church gets bigger, either. But, I do pray that God will give me the desire to serve Him without thinking mundane tasks are beneath me.

Isn't it amazing that God uses us, as flawed humans, to build His kingdom? He knows our every weakness and yet loves us.

As I read Nehemiah recently, I saw a man who was motivated to serve God in an area outside of his skill set. When Nehemiah heard that the Jews were in trouble and that the walls and gates of Jerusalem were in ruin and in need of repair, he cried, prayed and repented. Then, this cupbearer-turned-wall builder set about to do God's will. (Nehemiah 1)

Nehemiah was not the only one who was willing to minister where his hand found something to do. When he told the Jews, the priests, the nobles and the officials about his desire to serve, they said, "Let us rise up and build." They strengthened their hands for the good work. (Neh. 2:18) 

Chapter 3 gives examples of the types of people who did the hard work of rebuilding, some of it with a weapon in one hand and a tool in the other because of the fierce opposition to God's plan.

...the high priest rose up with his brothers the priests, and they built the Sheep Gate...goldsmiths repaired...one of the perfumers repaired...the ruler of half the district of Jerusalem repaired, he and his daughters...the Levites repaired...the merchants repaired. In the midst of all this obedience are some sobering words, "...the Tekoites repaired, but their nobles would not stoop to serve their Lord."

Lord, please give me the willingness to obey you, even when you ask me to serve in new ways that I haven't been trained for. Forgive me when I think that a job you give me is beneath me.

Sunday Women make Top 25 blog list!

SundayWomen.com was recently chosen as one of the "Top 25 Women's Leadership Blogs You Should Follow" by ChurchLeaders.com. Megan and Patsy are honored to be among some well-known Christian bloggers on the list. The entire list is on the ChurchLeaders.com website.

Big Picture Mom (A Review of Missional Motherhood)

I read Gloria Furman’s new book Missional Motherhood in the trenches. Its twelve chapters accompanied me to countless youth-league baseball practices, interminable waits in the school parking lot, and one memorable Lord’s Day afternoon where seemingly every sentence was punctuated by the requests of small children for whom “Sabbath rest” means “more time for snacks.” 

It took a while, but I’m pretty sure I read the whole book. At least I know I read some of it more than once. 

Thankfully, Furman is a mom of young children herself, and she understands this about her readers. Her tone is warm, and her instruction is simple without being condescending. I’m pretty sure she knew I was going to read her book with one eye on the page and one eye on the child climbing backwards up the playground slide. Furman helpfully and repeatedly circles back to her thesis: “what God’s word says about his mission, how motherhood fits into that, and what Christ has done to fuel and fulfill our everyday ministry as moms” (p. 17). Even if some of her paragraphs get lost in the pre-dinner shuffle, you won’t miss her main point. 

And this book is not just for moms—at least not just for moms in the traditional sense. Missional Motherhood seeks to provide direction and motivation for all kinds of mothering, and for any woman engaged in “nurturing life in the face of death” (p. 50). So whether you are in the trenches of T-ball or muddling through mentoring a younger woman, here are 3 reasons to consider reading Missional Motherhood: 

(1) It Puts You in the Picture 

The entire first half of the book--101 pages of it, to be exact--isn’t really about motherhood at all. It’s about the Old Testament. As counter-intuitive as that might be, Furman has good reasons. She defends her Old Testament survey by explaining that mothers can easily get lost in the details and constantly need the big picture, that mothers need to be shaped by that big picture, that mothers need to be guided by that picture, and that mothers need to show their children (or those whom they are mentoring) the big picture. 

By expressed intent, Furman is not going to tell you how to discipline your disobedient pre-schooler or what method to use to get your toddler to sleep or how to have conversations about tough topics with your elementary-schooler. Instead, she seeks to demonstrate that mothering is one part of God’s bigger story and that all the choices we make in our days will flow out of and reflect what we believe God is doing in us and in our world. 

(2) It Points You to Your Help 

The second half of the book is not primarily about mothers either. It’s all about Christ. Here, Furman looks at the offices of Christ and considers how Christ at work in us transforms the way we mother those around us. Christ the prophet, priest, and king is our only hope and help. His ministry shapes our ministry. And his goal is our goal. 

As Furman writes: “It feels like our biggest need is a car that runs better, or a child who obeys fully, or a friend we can confide in, or a husband who appreciates us, or a church that values our gifting, or a ministry that fulfills us, or a body we are proud of, or a bank account that doesn’t worry us. Any one of those things may feel like the biggest, most pressing need we have. But they all pale in comparison to our need to stand in the presence of God, to whom all glory, majesty, dominion, and authority belong forever” (p. 123). 

And whether your mothering is the biological kind or the kind that happens over lattes at Starbucks, you will find refreshment in the fact that Christ has already done everything necessary. 

(3) It Connects You to Your Sisters 

One of the things I love best about all of Furman's books--and about this book in particular--is that Furman, writing as she does from the Arabian Peninsula, has a global view of the kingdom. She knows personally that Christ’s church is not limited to first-world mothers at the country club swimming pool (though it certainly includes them) nor is it exclusively the property of mothers living day by day in the slums of Mumbai (though they are an important part, too). 

Reading Furman’s varied cultural examples from my place on the third base line in western Massachusetts, reminded me afresh that my sisters throughout the world are all engaged in this same work of nurturing life in the face of death. It drew me to love them. It reminded me to pray for them. It encouraged me to look forward to our future eternity together. 

And, most importantly, it made me put down the book altogether in order to introduce myself to that woman sitting beside me on the bleachers. 

Hi, there! Whose mom are you?

_____

Gloria Furman. Missional Motherhood. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2016. 

I also reviewed Furman's The Pastor's Wife here. And her book, Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full here. And I even recommended Glimpses of Grace here. 

What I Have Learned Serving a Church Plant: Expectations

This guest posting is from Pam, who is preparing to move from Mississippi to Canada to help plant a church with her husband, Josh. They have two little girls.

My husband and I are so thankful that we are a part of a church plant called Grace Reformed Church, where he serves as an elder.

We both have a heart for church planting and seeing people come to know Jesus - for the first time or in new and deeper ways. Being a part of it for three years has taught us a lot about ministry.

If you are considering joining a church plant and are not sure what to expect, here are a few things we have learned.

 

Those of us in a church plant must expect to...

Sacrifice our preferences. Church plants don’t have the same structure, access to resources, or number of bodies as established churches. This means they won’t have the same kind of worship band, programs/ministries, childcare and facilities that we may be used to or long for.

It is helpful to stay focused on the vision and mission of the church.  Worship Jesus by teaching the Word, proclaim the gospel, witness to the kingdom and disciple people so that these lesser issues don’t become primary. R.C. Sproul says it well, “I think the greatest weakness in the church today is that almost no one believes that God invests His power in the Bible. Everyone is looking for power in a program, in a methodology, in a technique, in anything and everything but that in which God has placed it—His Word. He alone has the power to change lives for eternity, and that power is focused on the Scriptures.”

Additionally, it is important to be mindful of the ever-growing and ever-changing distinctness of a church plant. Many things will be tried and either added or abandoned. This requires and allows members to have an easy-going, accommodating attitude.

Serve faithfully using our time, money, energy, talents and resources to minister to the church and proclaim the gospel (1 Peter 4:8-11).  Based on their income, schedule, ability or role in the church, some people in the congregation will serve more than others. Serving is not about fairness. It will never be perfectly even. We don’t live in light of fairness, we live in light of the gospel!

It is easy to be self-righteous about our own service in the church when we compare ourselves to others. Our own desire to serve the church is a gift from the Lord. When we believe this, our self-righteous frustration, bitterness and anger towards others begins to diminish. And, we are able to be thankful for those who are willing to serve in any capacity.

Pray for more people to be so transformed by the gospel that they actually desire to give self-sacrificially. Ask God to help them begin to see the church as a place to serve rather than consume. Lastly, serve by simply showing up each week!

Seek people. In large churches, it is easy to be invisible. In small churches it is easy to choose invisibility. But the gospel motivates us to step out of our comfort zones, and talk to people, whether they approach us first or not.

Let’s seek the people who are sitting alone, who are outside of our life-stage or generation or who “rub us the wrong way.” Consider the people we wouldn’t normally have an opportunity to engage with. Invite them over for dinner. Church is a family. Intentionally building community is for our good and His glory.

Struggle to love others. Relational difficulties are going to be there because we are busted sinners. Sadly, churches are too often places where grace between brothers and sisters in Christ goes to die rather than come alive.

There will be miscommunication, disagreements, gossiping and hurt feelings between both leaders and congregants. These relational difficulties can range from simple to serious. We might encounter differing parenting choices, various music style preferences, theological disagreements and personal hurts and offenses. The biggest battles of ministry are fought on the turf of our own hearts.

Therefore, praying for the church, fighting for unity, being honest with one another, forgiving quickly and being willing to repent and seek forgiveness can feel impossible. But, the gospel tells us that through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection we have been freed from bondage to sin and self. By his Spirit, we are given motivation and power to reconcile with one another. The God we worship is a God of reconciliation and his people are a people of reconciliation (Ephesians 4:25-31; Colossians 3:12-17).

Share in one another’s hardships (Romans 12:9-16). One of the ways the church shows God’s love is by caring for the practical needs of people. This means knowing the people we worship with well enough to know their needs. We need to take initiative because hurting people will infrequently ask for help. Some examples of ways to love, serve, and minister to people include making meals, running errands, offering specialized services, caring for the sick and crying with the brokenhearted. This is a joyful burden, a blessing and part of being the body of Christ!

See God's work. Hearts are changed, people are saved and the Spirit moves in big and small ways we have never imagined. The Lord will bring broken people from different backgrounds, ethnicities, ages, life stages and income levels together to share, hear, believe and be transformed by the gospel. We can expect to see Jesus redeem and change lives, including our own, from the inside out because the Word of God is powerful, active and alive. (Hebrews 4:12; 2 Corinthians 5:17,18; Romans 5: 18-21)

For more about the model used to plant Pam's church, see "Simple Church Planting" on the desiringGod website.

 

How to Pray Out Loud Online

Years ago, I worked for a Christian audio magazine—a forerunner to podcasts, I suppose. At the time, the studio was transitioning between analogue and digital.  Some interviews got edited digitally on the computer—the audible discards disappearing silently into the void—but mostly the editing still produced tangled snips of physical tape, curled on the studio floor like the remnants of a haircut.

I was reminded of this as I wrote and edited Praying Together. Behind its 158 pages lies a pile of discarded snippets—some physical bits of paper and some existing only in my mind. Mostly, the book is decidedly better for what got left on the floor. But some of those tangled curls of thought just won’t be swept up and thrown away. They didn’t belong in the book, sure, but I’d like to think they belong somewhere.

This is one of them.

_______________________

How do you pray online?

Almost daily, I am asked to pray “with” others when I’m not actually with them. If you are in a church, it probably happens to you, too. In this digital age, we frequently receive prayer requests from people at a distance. 

They email us. They text us. They post on social media.

Pray for my dad. He’s having surgery in 30 minutes.

Prayers, please. I need to be at the airport in 10 and I can’t find my passport.

I’m feeling so anxious today. Would you pray for me?

At the crisis pregnancy center. Please pray for the couple I’m counseling.

Praying for others is our great privilege. It’s a way to love our brothers and sisters and to bear their burdens, priorities so essential that the Bible equates these obligations with fulfilling the whole law of God (Rom. 13:8, Gal. 5:14).

Praying for others is also a means of exhorting them, of reminding them of truth from God’s Word, and of lifting up their heads and pointing them to Christ. As they hear our confident and tender prayers, the suffering brother or sister will be encouraged.

Online or in a text message, though, we tend to reply with a quick “Praying!” and click on. Sometimes, that's all we can do. And, it is certainly better than nothing.

But in these situations, I think it is best to pray out loud online--to share the exact words that we are at that moment bringing before the Lord. We don't do this to show off our eloquence or piety. We do this because prayer is a means of strengthening one another's faith and encouraging one another with our love.

First, it's good to say exactly who we are petitioning. Prayer is an activity of relationship—it is children talking to the Father whom they know and love. 

Not everyone understands this. Some people who see the social media post or receive the group text will mistakenly think prayer is nothing more than a good wish or a lucky charm. Out loud online prayers, then, affirm that true prayer is communication within an intimate relationship. 

We are praying to someone. And that someone is gracious and compassionate.

Even other Christians often need to be reminded that the sovereign, loving, and holy God hears and answers our prayers. He is the same God who once healed the sick, released the prisoners, comforted the grieving, and gave bread and fish to the hungry. Most of all, he is the God who took his enemies (us!) and made them his friends.

Knowing who we are praying to gives us confidence that he will hear and confidence that he does all of his holy will. Knowing that God has worked faithfully in similar situations gives us hope that he will act again. 

Praying to the One who healed ten men in one instant. . .

Praying to the God who made the borrowed axe-head float. . .

Praying to the Father who numbers the hairs of our heads. . .

Praying to the Lord who came to seek and save the lost. . .

It is also good to say exactly what we are asking. Christian prayer is not a vague mumbling or a meaningless mantra. Prayer is “an offering up of our desires unto God.”

Identifying exactly what we desire from the Lord will help us to evaluate whether it is something according to his revealed will and character. It will also help us to recognize his gracious answer when he gives it. And this, in turn, will allow us to give public thanks.

. . .praying that he would heal you.

. . .praying that he would allow you to find your missing object.

. . .praying that he would reveal his love for you as you meditate on his Word.

. . .praying that he would be at work in her soul.

And then I close my eyes, bow my head, and bring that before the Lord. It may not be as good as standing shoulder-to-shoulder, together at the Throne with my needy friend, but it is something. One day we will be together there—and I trust that all of our prayers and all of his answers will be fully revealed to the glory of Christ.  

Brothers and sisters, let us pray.

_____

You can purchase Praying Together from Amazon, Crossway, The PCA Bookstore, Westminster Bookstore, or Christianbook.com.

What to Say When You Don't Have the Whole Story

Recently, I got an email from a casual acquaintance. Among other things, he mentioned that he had recently been terminated from his position with a Christian ministry. 

From such a distance—both location and relationship—it was impossible for me to understand the issues which contributed to his situation. Was he wrongly terminated? Or was he the guilty one? I simply could not know. 

 And yet, our correspondence required me to reply, and I could hardly ignore what was obviously an important and life-changing matter for him. What could I say? 

Frequently, in Christian ministry, we are told about a situation and are invited to make a response. And often we know only one small part of the whole story. 

A person gives what seems to be an extended (and possibly biased) list of wrongs someone else has done. Another person only tells part of the story to avoid exposing someone else’s sin. 

Proverbs warns against making a quick judgment without information: 

"The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him." (Prov. 18:17) 

"If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame." (Prov. 18:13)

Sometimes, we are able to pursue the subject. If both parties are within our circles, we can get more information, assist them to pursue biblical conflict resolution, and offer help to everyone involved. But, as with my out-of-work acquaintance, some situations and relationships will never disclose the full story. 

So what can you say—over email or coffee or Sunday’s fellowship lunch—when you cannot have the whole story? 

I’m sorry. 

Sin makes us sorrowful. And if there is sin in a situation, no matter whose sin it is, you can truthfully say you are sorry. A church member loses his job because his Christian convictions are distasteful to his employer? Then, “I’m sorry to hear that.” A church member loses his job because he failed to show up three shifts in a row? Then, too, “I’m sorry to hear that.” 

Thank you. 

Maybe, as in the case of the email I received, the best reply is “thank you for your years of service.” Maybe it’s “thank you for being such a good friend to her in this hard time” or “thank you for being concerned.” Sometimes, all you can say is “thank you for being here.” 

Let’s pray. 

Our Lord knows the whole story even when we do not, and we can pray with humility and confidence for him to work. Together, we can ask him to vindicate the righteous, convict the sinning, reconcile the estranged, and exalt his Son. Prayer is also a great equalizer—forcing each of us to admit our limitations and to cry out in dependence on our sovereign God. When we don't know the whole story, we can together ask for help.

And that's something to which we can all say, "Amen."

Practical Improvements for the Church

My husband says I constantly try to improve things. In new situations, I scan the area to see what could be done in a better way.

In addition, I admire people who come up with creative solutions to practical problems in the church. I wouldn't want them to alter their biblical world and life view, but I am amazed at how they adapt to changing needs. I say, "Why didn't I think of that?"

I'm sure that people in your church have great ideas for improving things, and I would love to hear about them. Here are a few useful practices that I have observed in churches.

Recognizing Visitors
As a visitor, I have filled out index cards with my contact information. In a few churches, I signed the who's who in the pew folder. And, I tore off a perforated strip from the bulletin and put it in the offering plate. In return, I received imprinted pens or welcome letters from the church. 

However, my most unusual visitor recognition was a shell lei, given in a Hawaiian church. This gift served at least two purposes. It made me feel special to wear it, and it helped church members to identify me as a first-time visitor. After the service, we were invited outside the church with no walls to drink cold pineapple juice under the palms and to be greeted by others. As hard as I try, I cannot think of a way to translate this unique visitor experience to New England.

Bringing the Past into the Present

My current church began about five years before we arrived. The people met in the pastor's home and held services in front of his fireplace. When the congregation built their church, they put a fireplace in the back of the sanctuary. Once we moved into the new church, we continued to gather around the fire each Sunday evening. The congregation appreciated the continuity.

When we built a new sanctuary, the old one became a fellowship hall. The familiar object that came into the new space with us this time was the handmade pulpit. (It was modeled after a ship's bow pulpit that the former pastor's wife admired in a Maine church.) The front of our new sanctuary was built around the pulpit, which is fitting for our heritage of powerful preaching.

Fostering Fellowship

Coffee and fellowship time between church and Sunday school has always been important to our members. When our congregation was much smaller, we gathered in the church's kitchen to drink hot beverages with baked goods made by volunteers. In an environmentally-conscious move, we invited members to keep a distinctive reusable mug at church for coffee and tea. Cleanup was quite a commitment.

Coffee time became easier once we had a dedicated fellowship hall. We eliminated the mugs for health reasons, stopped the goodies, added hot chocolate, made coffee in the kitchen and put the urns on restaurant carts to wheel them to the hall. One of the downsides of this arrangement was the need to move the cart out of fellowship hall and through an adult Sunday school class in session to get to the kitchen once the urns were empty. In addition, the carpeting suffered from stains.

Recently, our coffee station underwent another transformation. We have a new permanent setup that allows coffee to be made and cleaned up quickly on the spot. We even have two videos on our church website that explain the process. The area has a floor that is easily washed, cabinets for all the supplies, urns with their own water supply, ample counters and a sink. There is lots of space for fellowship, too. It is a wonderful improvement.

I hope this helps you see how some churches meet specific practical needs and adjust to new situations. If you have any of your church's improvement ideas to share with us, please comment below. 

   

Our Tears in His Bottle (A Review of A Heart Set Free)

“You are very good at speaking truth, Megan.” 

From my end of the phone line I could picture my friend’s raised eyebrows, and I knew she hadn’t meant her statement in a good way. She had interrupted me just as I was in the middle of answering her “How are you doing?” with a theology lesson: “Well, God is in control of my life . . . His plans are perfect . . . This will all work out for his glory.” 

I am good at speaking truth. (Which isn’t all bad. More on this later.) And I’m even good at making room for other people’s emotions. But what I’m not always so good at is answering direct questions about how I’m doing. If I answered honestly, I might break down and cry or, worse, allow someone to think I don’t really trust the Lord. 

I do trust Him. Most of the time. I think. 

I picked up Christina Fox’s new book, A Heart Set Free, then, as a habitual truth-speaker who would rather ignore her emotions than invite them to come out of hiding and swallow her whole. Fox’s own background—as a counselor and someone who herself suffers from depression—means she often writes from the opposite perspective: a woman who has already been swallowed by her emotions and is now trying to get free. But I believe both emotion-captors (like me) and emotion-captives (like Fox) will find valuable help in this book’s pages. 

The subtitle of the book is A Journey to Hope through the Psalms of Lament; in its twelve chapters, Fox takes the pattern of the Bible’s saddest songs and applies it to our right expression of emotion, particularly in prayer. 

Part 1 of the book lays out a biblical perspective on emotions. Fox describes the emotions of worry, fear, anxiety, despair, grief, sorrow, abandonment, rejection, and shame, and she considers how they become “uninvited guests” in our lives. From there, Fox moves on to set them in the context of creation, fall, and redemption and gives a hopeful and helpful reminder that “Jesus came to redeem all things—including our emotions.” 

The rest of the book focuses more narrowly on the psalms of lament and their use as a pattern to guide us. As an emotion-avoider, I found myself moved by Fox’s explanation of why we should lament: 

We need to lament not because we are without hope but because we have faith in God. We also need to lament so we can enter into the pain we often avoid in order to know the peace that God gives those who come to him in faith. We need to lament so that we can learn more about God, about his redemptive purposes in this world, about ourselves, and about our greatest need in Christ. And we need to lament so that we can experience more of God’s amazing grace. 

From there, Fox goes on to give us practical direction and encouragement to lament. Chapters 6 (“Crying Out to God”), 7 (“Asking for Help”), and 8 (“Responding in Trust and Worship”) are particularly good; here, Fox shows us what, exactly, the psalmists did in their distress and how we can follow their example. 

For truth-speakers like me, Chapters 9 (“Remembering God’s Faithfulness”) and 10 (“Speaking the Truth to Yourself”) are familiar territory, but, coming as they do after thorough and honest heart-examination, they are not a barricade against emotion but the next step on a journey toward healthy emotions. Fox writes: 

This is a crucial truth for us to learn from the Psalms of Lament. These heart cries follow a forward movement. They don’t simply express emotions and leave it at that, because though verbalizing what we are feeling does provide some relief, it’s not our ultimate destination. . . .we are ultimately moving toward a place of trust and worship. Learning to speak the truth back to ourselves, as the psalmist does, helps move us toward our journey’s end. 

In the introduction, Fox warns readers that her book is not a race but a marathon, and this proved true on one level. Her writing is simple and clear, so actually working through the chapters does not take long at all, nor does it make unreasonable intellectual demands. (This, I think, makes it an excellent volume to hand to a friend struggling with despair or anxiety. I’m quite sure that people suffering from emotional overload do not want to slog through obtuse and complex material in order to feel better, and Fox knows this.) 

The marathon nature of the book comes via the deceptively simple—and few in number—study questions at the end of each chapter. Though she is writing about the Psalms of Lament, Fox does not focus on expositing the individual psalms, choosing instead to explain the general pattern most of those psalms follow. The in-depth Bible study is left up to the reader, who will read, meditate on, and apply various psalms as she answers the questions. 

A marathon indeed—but one worth the time and energies of all who submit themselves—and their emotions!—to the “living and active” power of the Word of God. 
___

Fox, Christina. A Heart Set Free: A Journey to Hope through the Psalms of Lament. Ross-shire, Scotland: Christian Focus, 2016. 

Praying Together is Coming Soon (and We Are Giving One Away!) [UPDATED]

With thanksgiving to God, we are delighted to announce that Praying Together—Megan’s new book—will be released later this month by Crossway Publishers. 

Keep reading to learn more about Praying Together and how you can order (or be given!) a copy. 

From the Back Cover 

A Christian never prays alone. Heard by the Father and helped by the Son and Spirit, and joined with the prayers of others, a believer’s prayer always expresses a relationship. It is fitting, then, that God designed the church to be a community of believers who regularly pray together. And yet we often fail to prioritize these times in our daily lives. 

Exploring the Bible’s teaching on corporate prayer and the rich blessings that result, Praying Together will help you delight in the privilege of prayer and give you the practical tools to make praying with others a regular practice in your home, your church, and your community. 

Table of Contents 

PART 1 
THE FOUNDATIONS OF PRAYING TOGETHER 
1 Relationship 
2 Duty 
3 Promise 

PART 2 
THE FRUITS OF PRAYING TOGETHER 
4 Love 
5 Discipleship 
6 Revival 

PART 3 
THE PRACTICE OF PRAYING TOGETHER 
7 Praying with the Church 
8 Praying with Partners and Groups 
9 Praying with Family and Guests 

*each chapter also has questions for personal or group study*

Endorsements

Jen Wilkin  ~  J. Ligon Duncan, III  ~  Katelyn Beaty  ~  Derek W.H. Thomas
Kate Shellnutt  ~  Melissa Kruger  ~  Jane Patete  ~  Guy Prentiss Waters 
Joel R. Beeke  ~  Martha Manikas-Foster  ~  Jen Pollock Michel      

*read the endorsements here* 

Get Your Copy

You can pre-order at Crossway or Amazon. 

And to celebrate Praying Together’s upcoming release, we will be giving away a copy of Praying Together:

Leave a comment on this post giving your name and telling us who you pray with in your home, community, or church. 

One name will be chosen at random and will be announced Monday, April 11. We will contact you, and a copy of Praying Together will be mailed to the address you provide.

Thank you for your encouragements over the years here at Sunday Women. Would you join us in praying that this book would encourage God's people--families, community groups, and whole churches--to pray together?

UPDATE: And the winner is the 11th commentor:  Melissa. Congratulations!

3 Reasons a Pastor Should Accept Encouragement from His Wife

“Thank you for preaching to us. That was food for my soul. Such a good sermon!”

I spoke across the front seat of our minivan on the way home from church. My husband gripped the wheel with both hands and shrugged briefly. Then, he smiled at me. In his slightly upturned lips and affectionate eyes, I read: “you-are-only-saying-that-because-you-are-my-biggest-fan-but-thanks-anyway.”

He was right, in one way. I am his biggest fan, and that does compel me to say encouraging words to him. But—as we have learned together over the years of our marriage—being a fan does not discount the cheering.

A pastor can receive encouragement from his wife. He can welcome it, not as something inferior, or as something tainted, but as a good gift from the Lord and as a precious fruit of his ministry.

I humbly offer these words in case other couples in ministry have the same struggle—and with the hope that my brothers in ministry might more fully benefit from the encouragement of their wives, my sisters.  Dear pastor, please remember:

(1) Your wife is also your sister.

Before your wife was your wife, she was your Christian sister. And long after she is your wife—for all eternity, in fact—she will still be your sister. She is bound to you because you are both bound to Christ, and this means she must encourage you.

Every command to “one another” in Scripture is a command she must follow. She is directed three times in the New Testament (1 Thess. 5:11, 5:14; 2 Thess. 3:12) to encourage you—as you are to encourage her—and she cannot do otherwise. Furthermore, the Lord commands her to respect you (1 Thess. 5:12), to esteem you highly in love (1 Thess. 5:13), to give you honor (1 Tim. 5:17), and to further your joy (Heb. 13:17) not because she is your wife, but because she is your sister and you are her pastor.

(2) Your wife has had the greatest opportunity to be shaped by your ministry.

Chances are, your wife has heard you preach more than any other individual on earth. Every time—or nearly every time—the church doors open, she is there, sitting in the third pew with her Bible and her notebook. She has heard your best sermon. She has heard all your ordinary sermons. She has even heard the one that, despite all the prayers and sighs and tears, just never came together.

She knows your hermeneutic and your eschatology. She knows what moves you to tears and what causes you to shout. She knows the themes of Scripture that are dearest to your heart. Truly, she knows the scope and weight of your ministry like she knows the lines on her own face.

And it has changed her.

These sermons—not just one or two, but hundreds of them—have shaped her soul, have caused her to see her sin and to love her Savior, caused her to seek the good of her neighbor, caused her to treasure the Word, and caused her to become more like Jesus. Is it any wonder she says she is thankful? And would you hope anything different for someone else in the pews?

Your wife has also prayed for the success of your ministry like no one else. She has lifted your sermons, in their preparation and in their presentation, to the Throne. She has sat in the pews and prayed as you preached and prayed as you prayed.

Her words of encouragement, then, are exultation in God’s faithful answer. They are a testimony that the Lord has heard the cries of his daughter. Rejoice with her!

(3) Your wife was given by God to encourage you.

In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, he says that “tak[ing] along a believing wife” (1 Cor. 9:5) is regularly one of God’s good gifts to gospel ministers. Like money and food (9:6), the believing wife is a provision for the pastor’s needs and a relief in his trials. She is bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. She is designed for his good.

In the church and in the world you will sometimes encounter people who say critical things with a mean spirit, people who say nice things with intent to manipulate you, and people who don’t say anything at all. It’s not always easy to tell where people’s comments (or silences) are coming from.

That’s partly why God gave you a wife, a helper fit for you (Gen. 2:18). Her comments—both encouraging and constructive—consistently come from a heart of love. More than anyone besides Christ himself, she wants you to succeed, to be useful in the kingdom, to flourish, to rejoice, to grow in holiness, and to increase in love for the Lord. You can trust her words.

Is she objective? No, but neither is God. God himself is extremely partial in his love for you, delighting in you for no other reason than that it is his sovereign pleasure to do so. The encouragement of your wife is like the “well done” of your Father: entirely biased and absolutely vital.