How to Pray Out Loud Online

Years ago, I worked for a Christian audio magazine—a forerunner to podcasts, I suppose. At the time, the studio was transitioning between analogue and digital.  Some interviews got edited digitally on the computer—the audible discards disappearing silently into the void—but mostly the editing still produced tangled snips of physical tape, curled on the studio floor like the remnants of a haircut.

I was reminded of this as I wrote and edited Praying Together. Behind its 158 pages lies a pile of discarded snippets—some physical bits of paper and some existing only in my mind. Mostly, the book is decidedly better for what got left on the floor. But some of those tangled curls of thought just won’t be swept up and thrown away. They didn’t belong in the book, sure, but I’d like to think they belong somewhere.

This is one of them.

_______________________

How do you pray online?

Almost daily, I am asked to pray “with” others when I’m not actually with them. If you are in a church, it probably happens to you, too. In this digital age, we frequently receive prayer requests from people at a distance. 

They email us. They text us. They post on social media.

Pray for my dad. He’s having surgery in 30 minutes.

Prayers, please. I need to be at the airport in 10 and I can’t find my passport.

I’m feeling so anxious today. Would you pray for me?

At the crisis pregnancy center. Please pray for the couple I’m counseling.

Praying for others is our great privilege. It’s a way to love our brothers and sisters and to bear their burdens, priorities so essential that the Bible equates these obligations with fulfilling the whole law of God (Rom. 13:8, Gal. 5:14).

Praying for others is also a means of exhorting them, of reminding them of truth from God’s Word, and of lifting up their heads and pointing them to Christ. As they hear our confident and tender prayers, the suffering brother or sister will be encouraged.

Online or in a text message, though, we tend to reply with a quick “Praying!” and click on. Sometimes, that's all we can do. And, it is certainly better than nothing.

But in these situations, I think it is best to pray out loud online--to share the exact words that we are at that moment bringing before the Lord. We don't do this to show off our eloquence or piety. We do this because prayer is a means of strengthening one another's faith and encouraging one another with our love.

First, it's good to say exactly who we are petitioning. Prayer is an activity of relationship—it is children talking to the Father whom they know and love. 

Not everyone understands this. Some people who see the social media post or receive the group text will mistakenly think prayer is nothing more than a good wish or a lucky charm. Out loud online prayers, then, affirm that true prayer is communication within an intimate relationship. 

We are praying to someone. And that someone is gracious and compassionate.

Even other Christians often need to be reminded that the sovereign, loving, and holy God hears and answers our prayers. He is the same God who once healed the sick, released the prisoners, comforted the grieving, and gave bread and fish to the hungry. Most of all, he is the God who took his enemies (us!) and made them his friends.

Knowing who we are praying to gives us confidence that he will hear and confidence that he does all of his holy will. Knowing that God has worked faithfully in similar situations gives us hope that he will act again. 

Praying to the One who healed ten men in one instant. . .

Praying to the God who made the borrowed axe-head float. . .

Praying to the Father who numbers the hairs of our heads. . .

Praying to the Lord who came to seek and save the lost. . .

It is also good to say exactly what we are asking. Christian prayer is not a vague mumbling or a meaningless mantra. Prayer is “an offering up of our desires unto God.”

Identifying exactly what we desire from the Lord will help us to evaluate whether it is something according to his revealed will and character. It will also help us to recognize his gracious answer when he gives it. And this, in turn, will allow us to give public thanks.

. . .praying that he would heal you.

. . .praying that he would allow you to find your missing object.

. . .praying that he would reveal his love for you as you meditate on his Word.

. . .praying that he would be at work in her soul.

And then I close my eyes, bow my head, and bring that before the Lord. It may not be as good as standing shoulder-to-shoulder, together at the Throne with my needy friend, but it is something. One day we will be together there—and I trust that all of our prayers and all of his answers will be fully revealed to the glory of Christ.  

Brothers and sisters, let us pray.

_____

You can purchase Praying Together from Amazon, Crossway, The PCA Bookstore, Westminster Bookstore, or Christianbook.com.

Praying Together is Coming Soon (and We Are Giving One Away!) [UPDATED]

With thanksgiving to God, we are delighted to announce that Praying Together—Megan’s new book—will be released later this month by Crossway Publishers. 

Keep reading to learn more about Praying Together and how you can order (or be given!) a copy. 

From the Back Cover 

A Christian never prays alone. Heard by the Father and helped by the Son and Spirit, and joined with the prayers of others, a believer’s prayer always expresses a relationship. It is fitting, then, that God designed the church to be a community of believers who regularly pray together. And yet we often fail to prioritize these times in our daily lives. 

Exploring the Bible’s teaching on corporate prayer and the rich blessings that result, Praying Together will help you delight in the privilege of prayer and give you the practical tools to make praying with others a regular practice in your home, your church, and your community. 

Table of Contents 

PART 1 
THE FOUNDATIONS OF PRAYING TOGETHER 
1 Relationship 
2 Duty 
3 Promise 

PART 2 
THE FRUITS OF PRAYING TOGETHER 
4 Love 
5 Discipleship 
6 Revival 

PART 3 
THE PRACTICE OF PRAYING TOGETHER 
7 Praying with the Church 
8 Praying with Partners and Groups 
9 Praying with Family and Guests 

*each chapter also has questions for personal or group study*

Endorsements

Jen Wilkin  ~  J. Ligon Duncan, III  ~  Katelyn Beaty  ~  Derek W.H. Thomas
Kate Shellnutt  ~  Melissa Kruger  ~  Jane Patete  ~  Guy Prentiss Waters 
Joel R. Beeke  ~  Martha Manikas-Foster  ~  Jen Pollock Michel      

*read the endorsements here* 

Get Your Copy

You can pre-order at Crossway or Amazon. 

And to celebrate Praying Together’s upcoming release, we will be giving away a copy of Praying Together:

Leave a comment on this post giving your name and telling us who you pray with in your home, community, or church. 

One name will be chosen at random and will be announced Monday, April 11. We will contact you, and a copy of Praying Together will be mailed to the address you provide.

Thank you for your encouragements over the years here at Sunday Women. Would you join us in praying that this book would encourage God's people--families, community groups, and whole churches--to pray together?

UPDATE: And the winner is the 11th commentor:  Melissa. Congratulations!

3 Things to Say to a Grieving Non-Christian

photo: Flickr/The British Museum
 

When a loved-one of a friend dies, words come hard. In the emotionally-charged aftermath of death, it’s tricky to know how to extend comfort without sounding stupid or, worse, hurting our neighbor more than she already is. We want to be lovingly proactive, emotionally sensitive, personally sympathetic, and theologically correct.

All in the space of a hug and a sentence.

It’s a tall order, and the complexity compounds when we are comforting a non-Christian who is grieving the death of another non-Christian. With no understanding of the soul, no hope of eternity, and no trust in Christ’s return, our co-workers and neighbors can’t receive the same comfort we’d offer a believing brother or sister.

What do we say to the pagan co-worker who is mourning the death of her Hindu best friend? How do we approach our nice, secular neighbor whose even nicer, secular wife just died? What words can we offer the agnostic friend who just watched her atheist mom succumb to cancer?

Recently I read an article by Stanley Gale, “How Do We Comfort the Non-Christian in Grief?” (H/T The Aquila Report) There, Dr. Gale helpfully lays out the theological landscape of death. Standing on his foundation, then, I want to build a bit further and make three practical suggestions. Let's call it: How (Exactly) We Can Comfort the Non-Christian in Grief.

1. Acknowledge That Death Is Very, Very Bad

Death for the Christian and the non-Christian alike is the terrible fall-out from the Fall. While Christians should grieve with hope (1Thess. 4:13), even we still grieve. When your non-Christian neighbor experiences a death, you can sympathize with the real horror of a life ended and a relationship severed. What’s more, in a culture where death is either downplayed and ignored or set in the realm of dignified personal choices, you may be the only one willing to acknowledge its awful and inevitable impact. You can say:

I’m sorry. This is really hard.
This is so sad. I know you will miss her.
It’s okay to cry. Death is terrible.

If you openly lament death, you may have opportunity later to walk your friend backwards to sin—whose wages death is—and forward to Christ, whose gift is eternal life (Rom. 6:23).

2. Affirm That Human Beings Are Precious

Just as only Christians truly appreciate the sadness of death, only Christians can fully affirm the amazing privilege and value of life. We understand that human beings are more than a collection of cells but are actually image-bearers of the most-high God, knit together by him in the secret places, and given unique abilities, interests, and experiences. Though your non-Christian neighbor doesn’t understand all of this, you do. And in contrast to a culture where human life is cheap, you can testify to its value. You can say:

She was an amazing violinist.
He was so cheerful—he always brought a smile to my morning!
Her work with those school kids was remarkable.

Your valuing of life may one day lead to an introduction to the Lord and giver of life, “in whom we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28).

3. Commend the Loving Actions of Your Grieving Neighbor

Knowing that all good things come from the Lord, Christians can affirm common grace when we see it. The deeds of your grieving non-Christian neighbor have no saving merit (just as your own deeds have none), but Jesus says that even ungodly people can and do love others (Luke 6:32). We know that it is God who enables non-Christians to be kind and generous and faithful. And you can affirm these things by saying:

You took such good care of your mom at the end. I know you loved her.
He often told me how much your friendship meant to him.
I always liked seeing you out shooting baskets with your son after work.

And maybe someday these kind deeds will be the beginning of a conversation about the kindness of our God—revealed in the giving of his Son to die in our place.

In Defense of Ladies Who Lunch. And Brunch. And Craft.

photo credit: Flickr/Lisa Marie Hart
 

On Friday, the women of my church are meeting for lunch at a local restaurant. While there, we will eat. And talk. And laugh. The huggier ones will probably hug. The weepier ones might tear up a time or two. A group selfie may or may not be taken.

We probably will not bring our Bibles. (As least so far as our Bibles exist in paper versions apart from our smart phones.) We will pray at the beginning of the meal—giving thanks—and when the weepy and huggy ones stay to the very end, we might pray again. We will not pray for long, nor will we parse any Greek verbs. I doubt the contested sections of Mark will come up at all. We will not develop action plans to fight AIDS or Ebola or racism. We will pay with credit cards for fancy food we don’t technically need.

I’m going.

These days, the word on the world-wide street is that church women have been sold a bill of goods when they are offered lunch. Or brunch. Or crafts. Word is, ladies who lunch aren’t using all their gifts, aren’t deepening their love for Jesus, aren’t being treated as spiritual and intellectual equals. Word is, a quiet corner in a restaurant is where the souls of image-bearing women go to die.

And I’d just like to say a word about that from my seat at the table:
Maybe we are asking too much of lunch.

For one thing, women (and men, too, for that matter) are whole people. We were created body and soul with a variety of gifts and interests. We were also created body and soul within the limits of space and time. That is to say, I can’t use all my gifts all at the same time. Yesterday, for example, I spent a good part of the afternoon holding someone’s baby. I’m pretty good at holding babies, and it freed up baby’s mom and dad. But, holding that baby, I didn’t use most of my gifts. Didn’t teach anything. Didn’t sing. Didn’t pray. Didn’t write. Didn’t hit my stride on the elliptical. I was simply holding a sleeping baby. At lunch on Friday, too, I will be a limited human being, using some of my gifts (encouragement, say, or discernment) but not all (I do, actually, know a little Greek.) And that’s okay.

For another thing, women deepen their love for Jesus in all kinds of ways. Yes, absolutely, the Word and prayer are really important. (More on that in a minute.) Church women benefit from substantive Bible studies and intentional Christian service. But we also grow to love him more when we see other people putting their love for Christ into practice in their ordinary, daily lives. On Friday, when my Christian sister tells me about how her daughter is healing, little by little, from her chronic illness; when my other sister tells me about how her co-worker asked for prayer; when a third tells me about her struggle against anxiety, I’ll be deepening my appreciation for Christ’s work in the lives of my sisters, and I’ll be gathering confidence to live my own daily life. At lunch, I’ll learn to love Jesus more.

But here’s my main concern with the anti-brunch chatter: There is a place where women are fed the solid food of God’s word. There is a place where they labor alongside men in prayer. There is a place where their unique bodies and souls are used and welcomed by the Lord. There is a place where their gifts are polished. There is a place where women sharpen their minds and nourish their souls and grow in holiness.

It’s called worship.

Lord’s Day by Lord’s Day the church ladies come together with the church men and we all stand before our God, hearing from him and speaking to him. We listen. We reply. We labor, and we rest. We give, and we receive. We come together spiritually, and physically. We love ourselves less and our Savior more.

I will lunch on Friday, yes, but I will feast on Sunday.

And if we find ourselves resenting cupcakes because they are not bread-and-wine, well, maybe we are asking too much of one table and not enough of the other.

Receiving Sweet Ministry

God sends us people who minister to us in a special way and provide us with godly examples. Often these people don't realize how deeply they touch our lives. One such woman, let's call her Alice, used her gifts for my benefit for several years before she retired to another state far away.

Alice and I have some things in common. We grew up in conservative churches. We love baking sweet desserts. We both agree that my husband is a stellar preacher. We are different, too. Alice starts projects right away because, in her words, she wants to get it all behind her. Instead, I put things off. While Alice is very generous, I hold material things too tightly. Because of a negative experience in a cult-like church, Alice never wanted to join ours. On the other hand, I think commitment to a local church is very important.

Alice had the gifts of hospitality and of nurturing, and she used them freely with me. She did this, not in a diligent mother sort of way but more like an indulgent auntie, who didn't have the day-to-day responsibility for my upbringing. I knew that Alice enjoyed being around me. I felt completely accepted and at ease.

When Alive lived nearby, I went to her house sometimes to cook with her. I learned a lot, not just about food preparation but about how Christ can bring you through severe trials. In addition, she shared some of her dessert recipes. One of them was for a carrot cake that she mailed to her sons on their birthdays.

After she and her husband moved, Alice urged us to visit their new home in the West. So, we went a couple of times. I felt like I was staying in a five-star hotel and eating in a five-star restaurant. She even let me drive her car to a neighboring state just so I could say I had been there. These were relaxing times that energized me for ministry.

One recent day, when I was baking her carrot cake for a special dinner, my husband came home to say that Alice's husband had called him at church. The couple is facing declining health. It seemed that I may not see Alice again, and I cried. But then I realized that once we both get it all behind us, we will meet in heaven, and I can tell her that she is sweeter to me than any dessert.

"Alice's" Carrot Cake

Cake
2 cups flour
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons cinnamon
4 eggs
1 cup cooking oil
1- 8 ounce can crushed pineapple, drained, plus enough grated raw carrots to make 4 cups (about 3/4 pounds of carrots)
3/4 cup chopped nuts
1/2 cup raisins, optional

• Mix flour, sugar, baking soda, salt and cinnamon together. Set aside.
• In a large bowl, beat eggs until foamy. Slowly beat in oil.
• Slowly add flour mixture to egg mixture until smooth.
• Mix in carrots, nuts and raisins, if using.
• Pour into 3 greased and floured 9" round cake pans.*
• Bake in an oven preheated to 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
• Allow to cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans. 

Coconut Cream Cheese Frosting 
4 Tablespoons butter, divided
2 cups coconut
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 teaspoons whole milk
3 1/2 cups confectioner's sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

• Melt 2 Tablespoons of the butter in a skillet. Add coconut, stirring constantly over medium low heat until golden brown. Spread on paper towels to cool.
• Cream remaining butter with the cream cheese. Add milk and sugar alternately.
• Add vanilla and stir in 1 3/4 cups of the coconut. (Save remaining coconut for garnish.)
• Frost between cooled cake layers and on top. Sprinkle with reserved coconut.

* If using different sized pans, adjust the baking time.

Time to Talk

 

 

Nearly three years ago, we started this blog: "a conversation about ministry life." As a mother and daughter, both pastor's wives, we were spending plenty of time discussing our joys and challenges, seeking wisdom from each other, and bearing each other's burdens. We thought maybe some other women might want to listen in. So we started talking in writing. To each other, yes, and then to our readers, too.

 

This week, though, we took ourselves to a cabin in Oxford, Mississippi--home of a few people like William Faulkner and John Grisham whose sentences run circles around our own--and we talked face-to-face and non-stop. Maybe a few of those conversations will become paragraphs on this blog.

 

Have a seat, y'all.

Siri: Find Me a Mentor

photo: Flickr/reticulating

 

Recently, a friend of mine invited a younger woman for a meal. After she accepted, my friend offered to either draw her a map or to write down turn-by-turn directions to the house. The younger woman smiled and told my friend: “Just text me your address, I’ll look it up.”

My friend later laughed about her own technological backwardness, and I’m sure her young friend meant only to spare her the inconvenience of impromptu cartography, but in that moment, the two of them lost an opportunity for mentoring.

Now, I love my GPS as much as the next girl. In fact, my husband jokes that he's been replaced by a four-inch screen on my dashboard--I no longer call him, lost in my own city and asking for navigational help.

But abandoning our human connection of need and assistance is not always good, and I watch it happen all the time.

In Bible studies and fellowship times, the younger women discuss the details of their lives—and the older women sit silent. Increasingly, I am part of conversations where younger women discuss the expert advice of Pinterest but never once consult the older woman on the chair beside them.

We younger women (and I’m there, friends) love solutions that are instant and perfect. Older women are neither.

The advice an older woman gives you won’t be ideal. Her recipe is not going to be the current top-rated dish, painstakingly tested with organic ingredients. And it might take her a few minutes to find it in her cluttered file box. Her child-raising advice won’t always line up with latest protocols from the Academy of Pediatrics. Probably, too, the driving directions she gives you to her house will be idiosyncratic, peppered with landmarks and the names of long-gone friends. And so, younger women look elsewhere.

Sadly, the foundation of spiritual mothering—the little moments of sharing recipes and book recommendations and driving directions—the tasks that almost any older woman can do with confidence have already been delegated. We younger women, in our quest for immediate answers to our questions, have taken what could be the start of a mentoring relationship and found our solutions online instead.

Child with a fever? Ask Web MD. Need a date night restaurant suggestion? Urban Spoon. What about a great paint color for the living room? Pinterest every time.

Click by click, we younger women have cut the older women out of our lives. We’ve taken away the simple questions, the places where most older women feel useful. And we are denying ourselves a mentor in the process.

We don’t think of it like that. We’re just trying to do life—by the seat of our pants—and not bug other people in the process. We younger women tend to think Mentoring is something Big and Meaningful, a formal relationship with an older woman that we’ll develop when we’ve got a spare month. We think mentoring has nothing to do with the queries we Google every day.

But we’ve got it wrong.

To say this about spiritual mothering is like saying that biological mothering is separate from making peanut butter sandwiches and wiping drippy noses. Of course, mothering is not merely sandwiches and snot, but true mothering happens through and alongside—and almost never apart from—those mundane things.

Women's ministry director Melissa Kruger recently praised this informal mentoring, writing: "a large percentage of mentoring happens incidentally as we go about our days.”

The mentoring of Titus 2:3-5 “[older women are] to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children” ordinarily happens over the normal stuff, the easy questions, the daily bread. It happens through the older woman’s cleaning tips and coupon-sharing and, yes, directions to her house. And little by little, a younger woman will discover a holy life philosophy her spiritual mother probably didn’t even know she had.

So I’d like to challenge younger women to do something radical: Get rid of Siri. Turn off your GPS. Log out of Pinterest and Yelp and BabyCenter. Stop reading this blog. Then, pull out your old-fashioned telephone and call—don’t text—an older woman instead.

Because it is in the ordinary moments of life, in the slow, real-time connection of two imperfect women, that women of this generation will find a mentor.

_________
This is the second post in our series on mentoring. "How Old is an Older Woman?" was the first.

How Old is an Older Woman?

Women don't like getting older. And, if they are like I used to be, they squirm when they read Titus 2:3, 4. Older Christian women are to teach the younger women. I deflected those verses by asking, "At what age do I become older?" In addition I thought, "I am not yet perfect in applying Scripture to my own life. How can I help others?" 
 
The lady doth protest too much, methinks. I had to face the fact that I am older and more mature.
 
"The combination of spiritual maturity and life-experiences qualify a woman to nurture a younger woman," according to Susan Hunt in her book, Spiritual Mothering. Hunt elaborates, "If you are a Christian woman who is seeking to grow in the faith and to live obediently, then you are qualified for spiritual motherhood." This book helped me realize that God commands me to train younger women, and He equips me to meet a need. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I began to encourage younger women to live for Christ. This concept goes by several names, including spiritual mothering, discipleship and mentoring, and does not require a formal structure. Here are a few things I learned.
 
I am not getting any younger. As I see my own biological mother aging, I realize that time passes so quickly. This woman who taught me to use a jump rope in first grade can no longer walk. Postponing my role in the Titus 2 mandate is foolish. I need to seek opportunity while I can.
 
Tell me the old, old story. I can stick to what I know. Younger women don't need me to invent something new. God does not change, and the Bible is still applicable to every situation in the Christian life. I am well-acquainted with sound doctrine, steadfastness and the Word of God, which are mentioned in the Titus 2 passage.
 
Mentoring women keeps me young. The president of the university where I work said that students are full of fresh outlooks, which is very energizing. I agree. In addition, there are positive aspects of hearing even the most worrisome concerns of a younger woman. Such conversations help me understand current culture better. As a result, I can pray with more insight and resolve when I know what younger Christians face in the modern world.
 
Age has its privileges. I enjoy good, loving relationships with my adult children. They are supportive, respectful, affectionate and thoughtful. My spiritual children also treat me well. They exemplify I Timothy 5:2 by encouraging me (an older women) as they would mothers.

I am thankful that the Holy Spirit showed me that I have a measure of spiritual maturity and experience in life that is helpful to a younger woman. I am glad to be part of what God is doing in the world. That is one of the positive aspects of getting older. 

Note: This is the first of an occasional series about the ministry of discipling/spiritual mothering/mentoring other Christians. You might be interested in: Siri: Find Me a Mentor and Mentoring Goals: Temper the Harshness.

If You Don't Have a Seminary Sisterhood

Last week, I accompanied my husband while he attended our denomination’s national meeting. For many pastors' wives, this is a highlight of their year. Afterwards, I see pictures of them on Facebook, smiling broadly with their arms around their girlfriends. They have spent the week praying and laughing and encouraging one another. For a few days, their road less traveled becomes a little bit more companionable.

I am truly happy for these my sisters.

But this is not my experience. When I go to the General Assembly, I see a few people I know, here and there. (And, actually, I know more men than women, thanks to the work I do for our presbytery.) But I don’t have a group of kindred spirits to catch up with over chicken salad and sweet tea. And, at 9:30 at night, I am not sharing my heart with another pastor’s wife; I'm reading a book in my hotel room.

Partly, this is because I missed seminary. My husband and I got married (10 years ago last week!) before his final year of seminary, and my nine months of seminary life were spent as a newlywed with a full-time job as a teacher. By 7:30PM on Thursday nights, when the seminary wives’ group met, I was busy grading papers. I didn’t have children, either, so their Tuesday afternoon prayer and playdates were something I experienced only as I drove past on my way home from work.

I made a few friends in seminary. But, still, when I go to the General Assembly, I often feel like other women got to join a sorority that I didn’t. These other women bonded for three years over miniscule family budgets, cramped living quarters, and shared uncertainty about the future. Now, they meet each other annually in the convention center with shrieks and hugs.

Meanwhile, I’m the girl standing against the wall, quietly reading while I wait to join my husband and his friends for lunch.

I missed forming a seminary sisterhood.  But, over the years of watching convention center reunions, I have figured out a few things:

I am not alone.

I met a pastor’s wife at the hotel pool last week. “I married my husband after he was already a pastor,” she told me, “and my first General Assembly was so overwhelming. Everyone seemed to know everyone, and I didn’t.” I suspect there are lots of women like her—and like me. If you are one of us, you are not the only one.

I can make one friend.

Last week, I made a new friend. Not a foursome or a table of eight or a group of twenty. But, still, one. Several months ago, I had read this woman’s book and sensed, through her written words, that we might be kindred spirits. So we corresponded a bit and then arranged to meet for coffee during the meeting. In God’s kindness, I now have a new friend, and next year’s assembly will have one more friendly face at it.

I can go back to seminary.

Not literally, perhaps, but with a bit of creativity, I can reclaim some of what I missed. My sister-in-law, for example, married my brother when he was already a pastor. So, she joined the seminary wives group at a local seminary (not even the one my brother attended) and has made some of those life-time friends that will brighten the national assemblies of her future. Another friend intentionally hosts small groups of seminary wives in her home. Though she’s older than they are, she can share her wisdom with these sisters who will someday be fellow pastors’ wives, too.

For me, last week was not a reunion of old girlfriends. But, as I walked through the halls and caught the eyes of other women, I smiled at them. Someday, I’m going to catch up with these sisters. Though we don’t even know each other’s names now, our names are washed by His blood and written in His book. And, on the last day, we will have an eternal reunion of the most glorious kind.

Ministry Wives Need Ministry, Advice from the Archives

Megan and her father willingly start difficult dialogs in the interest of bringing truth to light, even when some of the response is negative. I admire that quality in them. This archived posting from July highlights a deep need that most people avoid because it could get messy.

I know more than one pastor’s wife who secretly receives weekly professional counseling.

The stress of ministry life, compounded over the years by a near-monastic silence about problems, has created a situation where these women need help to speak freely and regain a realistic, God-glorifying perspective.

These pastors’ wives are struggling. And their story is not as unusual as the average layman might think.

I can name dear sisters in ministry who have climbed some very steep mountains. They have been diagnosed with mental illness and have been afraid to tell anyone. They have been so poor the jokes beginning with that line are no longer funny. They have quietly supported their husbands through severe depression. They have even lost their husbands to moral failure. And, mostly, they have climbed alone, revealing their vulnerability only on the other side. . .if at all.

Recently, I read an article by a seminary director of alumni. In his post, entitled “Getting Ready for Someone’s Last General Assembly,” Joel Hathaway bemoans the lack of peer support for pastors who are faltering.

His concern is that pastors are so busy with the work that they forget the fellowship. They can tend to buzz past one another, focused on the to-do-list of ministry, and fail to help a brother in need. Men who are all but defeated by discouragement, sin, and spiritual apathy get scant attention from their fellow workers whose souls are (momentarily at least) healthier.

In my mind, each of the unnamed men he mentions is paired with an even more anonymous wife. And if the pastor’s concerns are neglected, surely his wife’s are, too.

Silence is the pastor’s wife’s default.

Why do we do this? I think that saying “the expectations are too high,” does us a disservice. The pastors’ wives I know, down to the last woman, are concerned for God’s glory and for the good of His bride, the church. They would give anything (some of them have given everything) for the kingdom.

We don’t put on a good face because of a prideful conviction that we must have perfect hair or people will tsk-tsk behind our backs.

Instead, I believe most of us minimize our own problems because we think revealing them would be harmful to the kingdom. We keep quiet to protect our husbands, to spare the church additional burdens, and sometimes just because nobody thinks to ask.

And, in many cases, silence and prayer—becoming nothing that Christ might be exalted—is the God-honoring path.

But when pastors’ wives are seriously discouraged, or their marriages are struggling, or their financial needs are acute, I think other Christians need to be intentional about helping them.

This is good for pastors’ wives, but it’s also good for the church.

I jokingly say that my job description as a pastor’s wife is two-task simple: be a good church member, and keep the pastor alive.

But if I’m spiritually depressed, if I’m crippled by sin, if I’m anxious or sexually tempted or angry, I can’t do my job. And when one portion of the Body gives up, all parts are affected.

A hurting pastor’s wife is a hurting church member. She needs the Body to minister to her, just like any other Christian woman. And, because her situation is slightly different, she may also need a different kind of help.

Here, I propose five suggestions to help the forgotten pastor’s wife. Some of them, we wives can do for one another. Some, the church will have to do for us.

1. Prioritize fellowship among wives. Learn to see ministry to other wives as valuable ministry. By making friends with a pastor’s wife, you will have opportunity to help the kingdom.

2. Designate an elder in the local church to “pastor” each wife. That elder should regularly make contact. Only by building a relationship over time will a pastor’s wife feel comfortable enough to seek help in time of need.

3. Destigmatize getting help. My friends who slink off secretly to professional counseling, should be able to do so openly. We should assist pastors’ wives to find and use godly counsel wherever it is available, whether professional or informal.

4. On a presbytery level, make the shepherding committee a household name. When the pastor struggles, his wife does, too. And the local church isn’t always the best place for help. Wives whose husbands are faltering need to know which of their husband’s peers they can call.

5. Don’t let go. In some cases, these struggling women will find themselves no longer pastors’ wives. Through death, divorce, or lack of call, their lives will change radically, and they will need these supports more than ever. We must not forget them.

This is just a beginning. There are years of un-held conversations about encouraging Christ’s struggling workers and their wives. Let’s talk.

9-5 Friends: Two Perspectives

Usually, this blog alternates authors: one post by Patsy, one post by Megan. This time, we'll be writing together, highlighting two perspectives on a single issue. This is the first in a new series about what it means to be a Sunday Woman who works (or doesn’t) outside the home. Today's focus: friendship.

Patsy says:
Of the 4000+ people at my workplace, very few claim to be evangelical Christians. Only four of them attend my church. We never see each other at work.

Pluses
My work friends get me out of the church "bubble" so that I am aware of cultural trends and able to understand a different mind-set. Some of what I observe is very sobering, but it does help me to bring the Gospel to bear.

At work, I am free of the expectations put on a ministry woman. For example, I am not required to know everything that is going on or to articulate the supervisor's position. I can befriend one person and not another.

Minuses
Friendship with a non-Christian co-worker can never achieve the depth of fellowship that Christians have. Shared hobbies and having children of the same age can bind us, but they can't take the place of unity in Christ or His transforming power that helps us love one another.

When I am surrounded by gossip, negative attitudes and godless behavior every day, I am subtly drawn into the group's thinking. Lack of time to develop edifying Christian relationships outside of work may add to a downward spiritual spiral.

Bottom Line
I am the only Christian my co-worker knows. And, she has lots of stereotypes and biases. It is a ministry and privilege to let Christ shine through me, but representing Christianity to 4,000 people is a big responsibility. When I fail, I am reminded of God's only sinless Representative to mankind. I am wholly dependent on Him.

Megan says:
Since I have become a stay-at-home mom, the Lord has blessed me with some of the godliest friends of my life. Mostly, they are other mommies, and we gather around the shared blessing of children—in the pool, at the playground, in rooms filled with Legos and train sets and Matchbox cars. We cut the crusts off peanut butter sandwiches while we talk theology and the price of organic veggies.

So what’s my struggle?

Almost none of these mommy-friends are in my church. It’s simple: my church is filled with working women. Kids Towne at 10AM on Tuesday is not doable for them. And I feel guilty asking them for Saturday or 6PM or spring break, when we should both be focusing on family.

Solutions? Not exactly. But a few friendship lessons in progress:

(1) Church people first. Early in the week, I try to fill my calendar with women in my own church. The empty slots go to outside friends. (This isn’t just a pastor’s wife thing, I believe all church members should prioritize this way.)

(2) Befriend widows. Their day-time schedules are as flexible as mine, and they have timeless wisdom to share.

(3) Don’t forget single moms. When I’m home alone, I try to think of others who are alone long-term. Session meeting night is a great time for a pajama party!

(4) Seek gospel opportunities. The world is full of kids and mommies who need Christ. And there’s nothing like splashing in the neighborhood pool to break the ice.

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What's your experience?

Ministry Wives Need Ministry, Too

I know more than one pastor’s wife who secretly receives weekly professional counseling.

The stress of ministry life, compounded over the years by a near-monastic silence about problems, has created a situation where these women need help to speak freely and regain a realistic, God-glorifying perspective.

These pastors’ wives are struggling. And their story is not as unusual as the average layman might think.

I can name dear sisters in ministry who have climbed some very steep mountains. They have been diagnosed with mental illness and have been afraid to tell anyone. They have been so poor the jokes beginning with that line are no longer funny. They have quietly supported their husbands through severe depression. They have even lost their husbands to moral failure. And, mostly, they have climbed alone, revealing their vulnerability only on the other side. . .if at all.

Recently, I read an article by a seminary director of alumni. In his post, entitled “Getting Ready for Someone’s Last General Assembly,” Joel Hathaway bemoans the lack of peer support for pastors who are faltering.

His concern is that pastors are so busy with the work that they forget the fellowship. They can tend to buzz past one another, focused on the to-do-list of ministry, and fail to help a brother in need. Men who are all but defeated by discouragement, sin, and spiritual apathy get scant attention from their fellow workers whose souls are (momentarily at least) healthier.

In my mind, each of the unnamed men he mentions is paired with an even more anonymous wife. And if the pastor’s concerns are neglected, surely his wife’s are, too.

Silence is the pastor’s wife’s default.

Why do we do this? I think that saying “the expectations are too high,” does us a disservice. The pastors’ wives I know, down to the last woman, are concerned for God’s glory and for the good of His bride, the church. They would give anything (some of them have given everything) for the kingdom.

We don’t put on a good face because of a prideful conviction that we must have perfect hair or people will tsk-tsk behind our backs.

Instead, I believe most of us minimize our own problems because we think revealing them would be harmful to the kingdom. We keep quiet to protect our husbands, to spare the church additional burdens, and sometimes just because nobody thinks to ask.

And, in many cases, silence and prayer—becoming nothing that Christ might be exalted—is the God-honoring path.

But when pastors’ wives are seriously discouraged, or their marriages are struggling, or their financial needs are acute, I think other Christians need to be intentional about helping them.

This is good for pastors’ wives, but it’s also good for the church.

I jokingly say that my job description as a pastor’s wife is two-task simple: be a good church member, and keep the pastor alive.

But if I’m spiritually depressed, if I’m crippled by sin, if I’m anxious or sexually tempted or angry, I can’t do my job. And when one portion of the Body gives up, all parts are affected.

A hurting pastor’s wife is a hurting church member. She needs the Body to minister to her, just like any other Christian woman. And, because her situation is slightly different, she may also need a different kind of help.

Here, I propose five suggestions to help the forgotten pastor’s wife. Some of them, we wives can do for one another. Some, the church will have to do for us.

1. Prioritize fellowship among wives. Learn to see ministry to other wives as valuable ministry. By making friends with a pastor’s wife, you will have opportunity to help the kingdom.

2. Designate an elder in the local church to “pastor” each wife. That elder should regularly make contact. Only by building a relationship over time will a pastor’s wife feel comfortable enough to seek help in time of need.

3. Destigmatize getting help. My friends who slink off secretly to professional counseling, should be able to do so openly. We should assist pastors’ wives to find and use godly counsel wherever it is available, whether professional or informal.

4. On a presbytery level, make the shepherding committee a household name. When the pastor struggles, his wife does, too. And the local church isn’t always the best place for help. Wives whose husbands are faltering need to know which of their husband’s peers they can call.

5. Don’t let go. In some cases, these struggling women will find themselves no longer pastors’ wives. Through death, divorce, or lack of call, their lives will change radically, and they will need these supports more than ever. We must not forget them.

This is just a beginning. There are years of un-held conversations about encouraging Christ’s struggling workers and their wives. Let’s talk.

Think Outside the Box

When thinking about the perfect friend, a woman may wish that God would provide an Anne of Green Gables-style kindred spirit for her. If her ministry takes her to a place like China or rural North America, she might give up hope of finding that special friend. God calls women to these places, and He will provide exactly the kind of people she needs.

Think beyond the A+ student. As much as I admire the brilliant among us, they are not always aware of the needs of others. On the other hand, many less learned women can cut through facades and diagnose the real problem. My friend Mary struggled through school, but she is sharp at detecting what is in a person's heart.  "A rich man is wise in his own eyes, but a poor man who has understanding will find him out." Proverbs 28:11. C- students keep me honest in ministry.

A Friend? In Ministry?

How do you have a friend who is also in your church?

Over the six-plus months that we have been writing Sunday Women, you, our readers, keep asking us this question. You send us emails (which we love!) you post comments (which we love, too!) and you meet us in person with the same question about friendship. It has different variations, of course: How do I have a close friend? Can I foster a friendship without slighting others? How do I find a friend?

You know that friendship isn’t all about you. You know that it’s also about giving. But, sometimes, you just want a kindred spirit.

We hear you.

Slow Cooker Friendship

Sometimes, I grill preformed burgers, microwave frozen vegetables, put out corn chips and call it a meal. Hunger is allayed without much effort. In contrast, I relish days when I have time for slow cooking. The tender meat and fresh vegetables are full of flavor, and the baked goods have a sweet aroma. This hearty meal gives those who eat it a greater sense of satisfaction.

So it is with friendships. We do the best we can with the time we have. Speed friending meets a need, especially for busy, young moms. In other seasons of life, we are privileged to take the slow route where friendships develop deep, complex flavors over time.

Speed Friending

If I were single, I might try speed dating. The challenge to discover someone’s character in only three minutes has appeal to me. Of course, the goal of speed dating is to find a relationship. But what if we sustained our relationships (especially our friendships) with the same urgency?

In ministry life, it can be difficult to find the time for friendships. We are so committed to the people in our family and ministry, that we don’t often have leisurely girl-time. One of my solutions for nurturing friendship in ministry life is a kind of “speed friending:” intentional relationships that pack deep connection into a short time.

PINRF: People I'm Not Responsible For

Ecclesiastes 10:19a says, “Bread is made for laughter” and Proverbs 15:3a says, “a glad heart makes a cheerful face,” which leads me to the conclusion that God cares about chortles and chuckles.
At first glance, this seems incompatible—or at least marginal—for a ministry life dedicated to caring for souls. In reality, however, laughter is God’s good gift, and maybe especially sweet to those who wrestle daily with eternal issues.

Laughter can be elusive in ministry. The people for whom I have the deepest love, from whom I draw the greatest spiritual encouragement, and with whom I spend the most time before the Throne are the people in our church. We are committed to a long-term pilgrimage together. These people are wonderful, they have