Help and Hope for Moms (A Review of Loving My Children)

I sometimes struggle to know how to love my children. The outing which I thought would bring smiles to their faces ends in tears and sibling bickering. The meal which I carefully planned for a Friday night treat turns out to be something their mercurial taste-buds suddenly dislike. And, with three unique children, even things that appeal to one child miss the mark with the others.

More than I would care to admit, I find myself blinking back tears in the kitchen, wondering if my efforts will ever demonstrate love to my children.

In those times, what I need is not another "fun activities for kids" Pinterest-search, but a reminder of what love really is. And, as Katie Faris clearly states in the first pages of her new book, Loving My Children: "The best way that we can love our children is by passing on the Gospel to them." (p. 21-22) 

I first met Katie Faris when we were students together at Grove City College. Even as a teenager, she had a sincere love for the Lord and a desire to see her sisters in Christ grow in spiritual maturity. Now, Faris is the mother of four, and the same tenderness that I once saw in her for the freshman women of North Hall is in every sentence of her book--this time for her children. 

After affirming the centrality of the Gospel to our parenting efforts, Faris lays out three important ways to do this: directly instructing our children in the truth of the Gospel, cultivating a love for the Gospel in our own hearts, and praying for our children. (p. 23) Whether or not my popcorn-and-a-jigsaw puzzle family night is a rousing success, I have an opportunity to love my children through the good news of Christ died for sinners.

In the course of her warm and well-written book, Faris explains the importance of a Gospel-centered marriage, and exhorts her readers to see their children as the blessing the Bible says they are. (Three of Faris's children have a rare genetic disease, and she does not speak lightly of the sacrifice children require and the temptation to consider them "burdens.") 

Furthermore, Faris presses readers to confess and forsake their own sin--"What is the greatest hindrance to loving my children?" she writes. "I am." (p. 74)--and she equips them to deal wisely and graciously with their children's sin through discipline.

But perhaps my favorite chapter was the one Faris titled: "What Does Doctrine Have to Do with Being a Mom?" In it, she explains how trusting in God's sovereignty and providential care for mothers can bring contentment and joy--even in the most difficult days. Faris writes, "despite your very real weaknesses, God has a great and specific purpose for you being the mother of your children, and he will be faithful to his purpose and plan both for your life and the lives of any children with whom he blesses you." (p. 69)

And in the midst of competing messages about being a mom, Faris ultimately affirms that "Loving my children isn't about whether I breastfeed or bottle-feed. It's not about whether or not I let my daughter eat refined sugar before she's two, or she never gets to eat sugar at all. It's not even about whether I choose to homeschool, enroll my child in a public school or send him or her to a private school. These decisions and the convictions behind them are important, but they're not the Gospel." (p. 22)

That is something we would all do well to remember.
____
Faris, Katie. Loving My Children: Embracing Biblical Motherhood. (Riverton, NJ: Faris Press, 2015.) 129 pages.

God's Family and Yours

Ministry can be a messy business. As a younger mom, I worried that the failings of God's family would make the church repulsive to the growing children in my natural family. I could shield them from a church member's excommunication-worthy sin, but I couldn't keep my children from hearing inconsiderate comments or from seeing the demands that people sometimes put on their pastor. In addition, my own example was never perfect.

Raising Ministry Kids Who Love the Church, Part 3: Ministry Kids Are Kingdom Workers Who Need Encouragement

Catching up? This is the final part; here's  Part 1 and Part 2.

Jesus clearly says in Matthew 19 that children are members of His kingdom. And in Romans 12, the Scriptures teach us that members of the kingdom are called to be useful in service. Children, your children, ministry children are kingdom workers!

And your children, as ministry kids, will have unique opportunities to serve the body. One of the privileges of being in a ministry family is the multiple and obvious opportunities that arise daily to serve God. And, encouraging your children in kingdom work is one of the chief ways you can encourage them to love the church.

Let me give you 3 goals for encouraging your children:

God's Promises (a Perspective)

Today, Marian Green and I are each posting our perspective on God's promises (I'll link to hers at the end of this post.) Be stretched. Be encouraged. Theology (is) for Girls!

Six years ago, on a Wednesday, Rob and I lost our first child through a miscarriage. The next Sunday, in God’s mysterious providence, Rob was scheduled to preach Psalm 128.

I sat listening in the pew as he picked up his Bible: “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.”

I was brokenhearted. The promises which had seemed crystal clear last time I read them were growing blurry. Had I misunderstood the Lord’s word? Or, worse, had His promises failed?

Nurturing Faith in Two Perspectives

 

 

 

This post is part of our series exploring the challenges of work and ministry.  Patsy has an (almost) full-time job as an editor. Megan (mostly) stays home with her children. The first post in this series examined friendship from two angles. Today, we'll each talk about our spiritual lives.

Megan says:
The best and worst thing about being a stay-at-home mom is the flexibility. No two days are the same, and they don’t have to be.

I have been known to suddenly pull our minivan to the side of the road, unbuckle three car seats, and sit on the grass for half an hour, admiring a traveling turtle. I’m so thankful to my husband who works hard and makes many sacrifices so I can sit with our children on the sidelines of spontaneous reptilian marathons.

But flexibility is tough on discipline. I don’t punch a clock, I check a list. As long as I do the three-loads-a-day necessary to keep us from drowning in small socks, I’m good. Most of what I do can be worked around turtle-spotting.

When it comes to spiritual disciplines like prayer, meditation, and Scripture reading, flexibility can quickly take a sinful slide into laziness or procrastination. If it can be done anytime, it might never get done. And, unlike falling into mounting laundry, I might not realize when I’m spiritually drowning.

The popular women’s magazine concept of “me time” is usually framed in a way that’s selfish and unbiblical. But intentionally creating inflexible spaces for spiritual nurture is truly vital.

I’ve learned to:

Memorize and meditate on Scripture in song. This has the added benefit of being available in the car and useful for small passengers, too.

Set a quiet time for everyone. Even my kids who’ve outgrown sleeping during naps can stay in their rooms for a bit, planting seeds for a devotional habit for them and Scripture-reading time for me.

Write it down. I write my prayers and notes from my Scripture reading.  I’m often interrupted by a tiny voice asking for a drink of water, so writing down my meditations makes it easier to pick back up.

Pray together. A family prayer in the morning, thanksgiving before meals, family worship in the evenings. . .all established spiritual disciplines in a fluid day.

Capture everything for the Lord. Even that street-crossing turtle is an opportunity to meditate (aloud!) on a creating God who paints his creatures beautiful.

Patsy says:
Work is an excellent place to work out your own salvation. (Phil. 2:12) I see my God-given job as a large workshop for my faith. This is not earning my favor with God, which was secured by His Son, but rather an act of thanksgiving for and stewardship of what He has given me.

The basic struggles I faced as a stay-at-home woman did not melt away when I entered the workforce. Therefore, I can't use the excuse that my circumstances are the cause of my sin. For example, I still need to grow in personal discipline, loving others, gratitude and biblical witness.

What faith projects am I working on at work?
Faith goes to work with me. God is active in my life (and in the world) every moment of every day. Acknowledgment of that fact is just as important in my office on Monday as it is in my church on Sunday. I want to please Him with my whole heart wherever I am and whatever I am doing. The popular phrase, "It's a God thing," is too limiting of God. The earth is the Lord's and everything in it!

Do everything in the name of the Lord. My words and deeds should honor the name of the Lord Jesus. (Col.3:17)  So, I should give an honest day's work, be considerate of my co-workers, respect those in authority over me, use wholesome speech and thank others for their help. I want to be the sweet aroma of Christ to those around me.

God makes an eternal difference. I see a stark contrast between the lostness of some
co-workers who have no place for God in their lives and the progress in faith of Christians in my ministry. But, all sinners need the same thing. I can profess the same Gospel I speak of at church to the needy people who I meet at work. God, who is able to save people out of darkness, will complete the good work as they walk in His light.

Time to leave for my faith workshop. I have a busy day ahead.




 

Gentle Among You

I just spent a week with a new mother who is breastfeeding. The mother-child bond is a beautiful thing to see. In a similar way that moms are entrusted with a child, ministry women have a responsibility toward the children of God. Both roles require self-sacrifice, endurance, focus and patience. The goal is ultimately the same...to please God.

Ministry is not an easy task. In I Thessalonians 2, Paul talks about hardships he endured for the sake of the Gospel. Plus, verses 4 to 6 mention some of the temptations that could get in the way of ministry.  Pleasing others. Resorting to flattery. Being greedy. Making demands. 

Then in verse 7, Paul points out a good example of active love. "But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her children." I know what he is talking about in a biological sense, and I want to have that gentle spirit with the spiritual children in my church's care, especially when they are newborn in the Lord.

Verse 8 gives me more ideas of what my relationship with people in the church should look like. I long to have an affectionate desire for them. This tells me that I should have a special place in my heart for those in the congregation.

For people without Christ, I pray that I might overcome my reticence to share the Gospel. It is a very loving thing to warn others of what happens to those who do not repent. And, as one who "keeps herself to herself," I see that I need to make progress in being willing to share myself with others.

Most new moms love their children. Most pastors' wives in a new church have the beginnings of affection for the people. However, it takes an experienced mom or ministry woman to know that, with God's help, the love will grow much deeper over time. In my experience, I see my love for God's people maturing as I mature in my faith. I can say about many, as Paul says in this passage about those he brought the Gospel to, "you had become very dear to us."

I encourage you to pursue this gentle, active love. It requires hard work and resisting temptation. But, in the end, this deep bond with spiritual children pleases God. That is worth the sacrifice.

Slip Slidin' Away

As you age, you feel like you are fading into invisibility. I experience that feeling. I am starting to fade. My mother is even further down the aging path. She is in a nursing home.

She can't care for herself. Her conversations are no longer engaging.  None of the facility's caregivers have a shared history with her. She is easily overlooked by everyone who comes down the hall, except for her devoted husband. And yet, she has saving faith and God-given dignity.

Although the Bible is full of honor and respect language for the elderly, it is hard for most Christians to sustain an active interest in those who are inactive. Many older people are out of sight in long-term care facilities. I can understand why they are forgotten.

I live far away from my mother. I pray that other Christians will minister to her and that God will be near to her. I am reminded of Psalm 71:9,"Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent."  In case you have church members who are, like my mother, fading away, here are some ideas of what you can do.

1) Visit regularly. Even if the resident doesn't remember that you come to see her every week, it is a meaningful act. Her spouse and children appreciate the sacrifice.
2) Offer to bring others with you when you visit.  Older people may have older friends who are unable to drive.
3) Provide loving touch if the resident is open to it. Holding a hand, patting a shoulder, brushing the hair and rubbing on lotion are usually appreciated by someone who is touched only by those who need to get a task done. 
4) Get the wheelchair-bound resident out of the room. Imagine being an outdoorsy type who is confined to a chair in a small, overheated room with a blaring TV that you don't know how to turn off and a moaning roommate who you met yesterday. Take that woman outside, if you are allowed, or, at least, to the recreation room for a change of scenery.
5) Consider offering church services for the facility residents once a month. At the service, interact as much as possible with the older people. Use a microphone. Keep the service short. Sing the old hymns. Show love in abundance.
6) Find out the backstories of the nursing home residents from your church if you don't already know them. It is easier to love and identify with someone if you learn about her past. Do everything you can to see the older person as a human in the image of God instead of an invalid who can't contribute. Elderly people in your church probably have similar stories to my mom's.

In an effort to encourage the staff who care for my mother, I wrote a short bio that I sent to the nursing home with a note of thanks and a box of goodies. Here is part of what I said.

Who is Donna?

Donna was born without much fanfare. Her parents were fun-loving people, who eventually had nine children. When Donna was a child, her father died suddenly from an aneurysm. He left a widow to face the hardships of the Great Depression alone. The youngest child in the family was a baby at the time.

Because of her family's financial condition, Donna went to work as a domestic servant for a wealthy family in another town when she was a teenager. She had to take care of children and a large house while going to school. She graduated from a high school 15 miles from her home, not in a place with life-long friends.

Donna has always cared for the needs of others. As the young mother of a newborn, she stepped in to care for her teenaged sister-in-law and a widowed mother-in-law, who had a serious accident. Donna was a waitress, a short order cook, a motel maid, a Headstart assistant and a very devoted mom. She served God at her church. She sold crafts and chocolate candy to help make ends meet when her husband was repeatedly laid off from his job. You can still see a bit of the "former" Donna when she is concerned that everyone has something to eat.

She married over 60 years ago and has a faithful husband. Donna has one daughter, two grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. They live in three different states around the country. 

Before she came to the nursing home, Donna endured various medical problems, such as hepatitis, miscarriages, diverticulitis and hearing loss. She kept a positive attitude. In spite of her forgetfulness, she still takes pride in her appearance. These are a few of her favorite things: a clean house, physical affection, sparkly rings, sitting outside, clothes that match, family, getting her hair done, flowers in the garden and the I Love Lucy show.

Donna is not perfect, but I have grown to love her very much. I hope you will, too.

Ministry Myth: You Must Know All, See All

"Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure." Psalm 147:5 We worship an eternal God who is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. No human has these attributes...not even the pastor's wife. So, what am I to do when church members think that I know everything about and see all that is happening in the church? My solution is to exhibit Christlike behavior to other people, but I don't try to be God.

Be patient with questions. When we had a smaller church and no church secretary, I fielded all kinds of church-related phone calls that came into our house. Who is in charge of food for Presbytery? What is Mrs. Smith's phone number? When is the Christmas eve service? Why did the elders not cancel the worship service when they knew a big storm was coming? Could you tell someone in the nursery that I won't be there for my duty tomorrow?

I was especially annoyed if the calls came as I was rushing out the door. I am sure I sometimes showed it in my tone of voice. Now that our church has an administrative assistant, those calls are a distant memory, which might make it easier to justify my past anger.

But, I must realize that I wasn't seeing the questions as a reflection of the people's desire to be part of the church's ministry. I should have encouraged their interest, remembered how long-suffering God is toward me and imitated Him with more patience toward others. "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Be loving in spite of circumstances. I know that my husband has a full pastoral counseling schedule, and I can surmise that he hears plenty about certain people's besetting sins and other shocking circumstances. I don't know all the names or much of the details, which is good because I couldn't bear the emotional weight.

However, some members may think that I know all their secrets. This is further complicated when they assume that I don't struggle with sin. This could make them awkward or embarrassed around me.

My approach to this situation is to show love in equal amounts to all God's people in the church. Even if I know that the sister sitting next to me in church meets with my husband for counseling, I don't want her to feel that I love her less because she is seeking help for dealing with their problems. And, as much as possible, I want to convey that I am not privy to every thing that my husband is aware of. In addition, I pray that I don't have a self-righteous attitude when I am conversing with a fellow believer. I need to recognize that I am a sinner, saved by grace, just like my sister in Christ. "You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18

I can't possibly know everything there is to know. And, I don't want to perpetuate the myth that I do. With God's help, I can be patient and loving to church members with their questions and their weaknesses. Thus, I can point them to the eternal one who, unlike me, is all powerful, all knowing and everywhere at the same time. He is the Lord.

Other Ministry Myths:
Your Children Will Reject the Church
You Can't Have Close Friends in Your Church 
Your Husband is Married to Your Church
You  Must Have Musical Talent or Teaching Gifts

Pray for the Pastor's Wife: Kindness

"The fruit of the Spirit is. . .kindness."

(Gal. 5:22)

Yesterday, I was really kind.

I sang happy Scripture songs with wiggly kids before Sunday school, I provided fall-themed cupcakes for my husband's communicant's class, I gave homemade goodies as thank-yous to women who had helped me last week, I spoke to church visitors and those sitting on the edges.

Then, I bustled home and welcomed people for lunch. I ladled comforting soup into bowls, I refilled glasses with Southern sweet tea, I brewed coffee and sliced pies.

In the evening, I headed back to church, greeted people ditto, and--to top it all off--managed to produce from the depths of my minivan the necessary set of battery jumper cables for a family stuck in the church parking lot.

Oh, I was really kind all right.

Until.

Until my own child, lying in his bed at 8:23PM called, "Mommy, can I have a drink?"

And my answer makes a liar out of all that went before: "Go. To. Sleep."

The woman who had cheerfully filled countless glasses of water was done for the day. No water for you, kid.  Tough luck.

How unlike my Savior. Our Lord has many kindnesses which he gives to everyone ("who sends rain on the just and the unjust" Matt. 5:45) but His greatest kindnesses are poured out on his family--his beloved children ("when the goodness and loving kindness of our Savior appeared, he saved us" Tit. 3:4-5). My Savior doesn't run out of kindness for his children. He saves it up and displays it to them with greater fullness than all his other kindnesses combined.
 
Pray for the pastor's wife, that--particularly in this rush-rush season of kindness and generosity and hospitality--she would draw from the kindness of the Lord to be kind to those who are nearest her.  Pray that she would have compassion for the "least of these" (Matt. 25:40), not first as some abstract group of people, but as particular people: Children. Husbands. Siblings. Parents.

Pray that, pitcher in hand, she will have ready a cup of kindness. Even at bedtime.

Also in this series:
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Goodness
Faithfulness

 

You are Contagious

"Because it would be so easy for me to be a missionary, I don't think God wants me to be one," said Esther, who grew up on the mission field in Africa. We were attending a missions conference where I suspected that many people were secretly thinking, "Being a missionary would be so hard for me. Therefore, God will probably call me to the mission field."

Although I didn't agree with Esther's logic, I did think her parents were to be commended for raising her with such a positive view of ministry life. What a household that must have been! The parents loved God and willingly served Him in a foreign country. Their attitudes made missions seem attractive to their daughter.

Although we are blessed with a daughter who is married to a pastor and a son who is a pastor, we didn't insist that they go into full-time Christian ministry. I don't think God has that plan for every preacher's or missionary's kid. It was very important to my husband and I that our children glorified God in whatever career He had for them. In addition, our desire was for them to love the Church and be involved in it. When we had ministry challenges, we tried to handle them without resentment and in a way that set a good example for our children. We realized that the way we approached what God called us to do could be contagious to the kids. If you have similar goals for your children, please consider these questions.

Conduct an Attitude Check. How often do you convey that it is a privilege to serve God? Are you thankful for His work in your life? Do you demonstrate to your children that the happiest place to be is right where God wants you to be?

Pray with and for your children. Do your children hear you asking for God's forgiveness? Can you show them that you rely on God's help to resist sin and solve problems? Do you seek God's guidance together in prayer?

Love the Church. Does your child see that those you minister to are a joy and not a burden? Are you positive about worship services, teaching times and fellowship? Do your words and actions serve to build up other believers?

Love the Child. Is your home a haven of stability and support for your children and their concerns? Do they have the sense that being a loving, caring parent is an important God-given ministry? Can your children see that they are a priority by the time and attention that you give them?

May our children be drawn to following Jesus by what we say and do. As for Esther, she did heed God's call on her life and became a missionary to Africa with her husband. She is still serving God today.

Just Visiting

Sunday mornings have a routine. At home, I assemble food, dress children, gather supplies. My husband tweaks his sermon, prays, ties his tie with a distracted look. Once we get to church, the familiarity continues: Rob goes to his office after speaking to the pianist, and I take the kids to the bathroom. The usual people have arrived ahead of us and parked in their usual spots. Families joke about sitting in their “assigned pew.” We’ve been part of the same church for seven years now, and, at this point, I know what to expect.

One Sunday was different. That Sunday I was a visitor. 

Timeless Book Advises Pastors' Wives

Even though details change, the advice a pastor's wife received in the past can be relevant today. If the advice is based on biblical principles, it could be used by an early American pastor's wife to keep her children reverent in church while they sat facing the congregation. That same counsel could apply to a woman who is teaching her children today that it is not appropriate to text friends in the next pew. God's wisdom is eternal and useful in every period in history. 

A paperback book that I read nearly 25 years ago contains this sort of timeless advice. With its abundant references to Scripture and good Christian books, Counsel for Pastors' Wives by Diane Langberg, Ph.D., still helps me in my role. My current copy resides on my Kindle iPad app. 

Each of the 14 chapters is based on a question Dr. Langberg received from a pastor's wife. Examples include, "Why Do Women in the Church Keep Their Distance From Me?" and "How Should I Respond to a Husband Who Does Not Practice What He Preaches?." The questions that pertain to common problems, such as Premenstrual Syndrome or rebellious older children, are dealt with in the context of church ministry.

In analyzing why women keep their distance, the author says that some women perceive the pastor's wife as a role with expectations and not as a regular person like they are. She said, "People are often caught between wanting you to be perfect and hoping that they will find a flaw so that they can feel more comfortable around you." Part of Dr. Langberg's advice is to be a servant to the people (based on I Peter 5:1-3) and to walk among them as Christ walked (based on Philippians 2:6). She urges the reader to strive to be like Christ and focus on Him instead of pursuing acceptance with people.

On a personal note, I am inclined to take the counsel of Dr. Langberg because, before she wrote the book, she was a member of the church where my husband was the assistant pastor. I knew her to be a woman of scriptural integrity and loving concern for the pastoral families she counseled. Currently, she is the director of Diane Langberg, Ph.D. & Associates, a group practice, staffed by Christian psychologists, social workers and counselors. Learn more.

The Book
Diane Langberg. Counsel for Pastors' Wives (ISBN 978-0310376217) Note: The Kindle version answers the question given in Chapter 1's title in Chapter 11's text and vice versa.

How Old is an Older Woman?

Women don't like getting older. And, if they are like I used to be, they squirm when they read Titus 2:3, 4. Older Christian women are to teach the younger women. I deflected those verses by asking, "At what age do I become older?" In addition I thought, "I am not yet perfect in applying Scripture to my own life. How can I help others?" 
 
The lady doth protest too much, methinks. I had to face the fact that I am older and more mature.
 
"The combination of spiritual maturity and life-experiences qualify a woman to nurture a younger woman," according to Susan Hunt in her book, Spiritual Mothering. Hunt elaborates, "If you are a Christian woman who is seeking to grow in the faith and to live obediently, then you are qualified for spiritual motherhood." This book helped me realize that God commands me to train younger women, and He equips me to meet a need. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I began to encourage younger women to live for Christ. This concept goes by several names, including spiritual mothering, discipleship and mentoring, and does not require a formal structure. Here are a few things I learned.
 
I am not getting any younger. As I see my own biological mother aging, I realize that time passes so quickly. This woman who taught me to use a jump rope in first grade can no longer walk. Postponing my role in the Titus 2 mandate is foolish. I need to seek opportunity while I can.
 
Tell me the old, old story. I can stick to what I know. Younger women don't need me to invent something new. God does not change, and the Bible is still applicable to every situation in the Christian life. I am well-acquainted with sound doctrine, steadfastness and the Word of God, which are mentioned in the Titus 2 passage.
 
Mentoring women keeps me young. The president of the university where I work said that students are full of fresh outlooks, which is very energizing. I agree. In addition, there are positive aspects of hearing even the most worrisome concerns of a younger woman. Such conversations help me understand current culture better. As a result, I can pray with more insight and resolve when I know what younger Christians face in the modern world.
 
Age has its privileges. I enjoy good, loving relationships with my adult children. They are supportive, respectful, affectionate and thoughtful. My spiritual children also treat me well. They exemplify I Timothy 5:2 by encouraging me (an older women) as they would mothers.

I am thankful that the Holy Spirit showed me that I have a measure of spiritual maturity and experience in life that is helpful to a younger woman. I am glad to be part of what God is doing in the world. That is one of the positive aspects of getting older. 

Note: This is the first of an occasional series about the ministry of discipling/spiritual mothering/mentoring other Christians. You might be interested in: Siri: Find Me a Mentor and Mentoring Goals: Temper the Harshness.

When You Feel Like You've Made a Big Mistake

Rearranging furniture last night, my husband and I stood in our empty living room and remembered the day we bought this house. Our first house.

Overwhelmed by page after page of legalese, we had finally escaped the attorney’s office, key in hand, and walked into our new purchase. We sat on the floor in this very living room, on the still-here, vine-patterned rug left by its former owner, and we both almost cried. What had we done?

Surely the room was too small. The backyard too wooded. The ceilings too high. The kitchen too big.

We were thankful. But given this new responsibility, we were convinced we had made a mistake.

This same sinking feeling has re-occurred at almost every significant moment of my adult life. When I was veiled and poised to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. When my husband said yes to a church in Mississippi. When we left the hospital with one small person, and a social worker’s office with two others. Each time, I thought: What have we done? We are making a big mistake.

And, oddly, I am thankful for that feeling.

For one thing, I think it’s a common human experience, and, having had it myself, I can empathize with others. This weekend I was talking to an expectant mom. She had just gotten a call that a birthmother was in labor with the child they would both call “mine.” My friend called me for advice. Skipping the soy formula, co-sleeping, and skin-care lectures I could have given, I said instead: “No matter how much you wanted this baby, you might have some long hours when you think you’ve made a mistake. And that’s okay.”

It’s okay, because we serve a faithful God who is often pleased to turn what looks like a big mistake (or at least a scary question mark) into a platform for His glory.

Over time, I have seen firsthand how the Lord works all things. This tiny house, amazingly, stretched and fit—even when our family more than doubled. That young groom at the altar turned out to be the man who has done more to make me holy than any other human being. And those children? Well, what else sanctifies like children? And what else belly-laughs?

And these past blessings have been precious reminders when I face each new unknown.

We make life’s decisions through Word-study and prayer and wise counsel and God-given reason. And then, we trust. We trust that even in the “uh-oh” feeling we have something to learn about our dependence on a loving and sovereign God.

Human unknowns are fully known to the Lord. And, for each new endeavor, we trust not in our own abilities, but in the Lord who has led us here. That uncertain, sinking feeling is a reminder to trust Him.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” (Prov. 3:5-6

Seeing Value through Faith and Love

"You are never going anywhere with this," said Dr. Henry, dismissively. She was the local

college's music department chairperson. I was ten and just starting to learn the clarinet from her. At that moment, my highest musical aspiration was to get through the lesson without crying. I also hoped that the regular, more affirming, instructor felt well enough to teach my next lesson.

In my case, Dr. Henry had an accurate ear for talent. In the end, my greatest achievement was an unremarkable third chair, third clarinet. She was short-sighted, however, to imply that music activities were wasted on me if I wasn't professional material. I would never be a Benny Goodman, but I would be shaped by the discipline and cooperation required of a band member.

Pondering this experience made me examine my attitude toward people that God puts in my path. Do I give loving encouragement or a quick dismissal? Can I see beyond faults with eyes of faith and love?

Do I think the woman at work, who has a anti-Christian bias, is out of God's redemptive reach?  If a poor family joins our church when we are hurting financially, do I ignore them in favor of the new wealthy couple? Do I arrogantly assume that people with different gifts and interests than mine have lesser value? Have I caught the vision that church is an excellent place for sinners like me to be transformed by Jesus?

When I lack faith, I need to remember the truth of who God is and what He is able to do. I know: He has the power to save. (I Corinthians 1:18) He can transform a man like Saul. (Acts 9:22) He knows the plans He has for His own. (Jeremiah 29:11) All of His redeemed people are precious in His sight. (Isaiah 43:4) I want to be part of what He is doing in the world and someone who sees value in His children. When I am arrogant toward others, I must be reminded that without Christ, I can do nothing.

I must be shaped by love. If I don't love God and His people, my ministry efforts are a waste of time. (I Corinthians 13:1) I am no better than a noisy gong, a clanging cymbal or a squeaky clarinet. That sounds pretty awful; and I am never going anywhere with that. Dr. Henry would agree.

Slow Cooker Friendship

Sometimes, I grill preformed burgers, microwave frozen vegetables, put out corn chips and call it a meal. Hunger is allayed without much effort. In contrast, I relish days when I have time for slow cooking. The tender meat and fresh vegetables are full of flavor, and the baked goods have a sweet aroma. This hearty meal gives those who eat it a greater sense of satisfaction.

So it is with friendships. We do the best we can with the time we have. Speed friending meets a need, especially for busy, young moms. In other seasons of life, we are privileged to take the slow route where friendships develop deep, complex flavors over time.

How to Pray Out Loud Online

Years ago, I worked for a Christian audio magazine—a forerunner to podcasts, I suppose. At the time, the studio was transitioning between analogue and digital.  Some interviews got edited digitally on the computer—the audible discards disappearing silently into the void—but mostly the editing still produced tangled snips of physical tape, curled on the studio floor like the remnants of a haircut.

I was reminded of this as I wrote and edited Praying Together. Behind its 158 pages lies a pile of discarded snippets—some physical bits of paper and some existing only in my mind. Mostly, the book is decidedly better for what got left on the floor. But some of those tangled curls of thought just won’t be swept up and thrown away. They didn’t belong in the book, sure, but I’d like to think they belong somewhere.

This is one of them.

_______________________

How do you pray online?

Almost daily, I am asked to pray “with” others when I’m not actually with them. If you are in a church, it probably happens to you, too. In this digital age, we frequently receive prayer requests from people at a distance. 

They email us. They text us. They post on social media.

Pray for my dad. He’s having surgery in 30 minutes.

Prayers, please. I need to be at the airport in 10 and I can’t find my passport.

I’m feeling so anxious today. Would you pray for me?

At the crisis pregnancy center. Please pray for the couple I’m counseling.

Praying for others is our great privilege. It’s a way to love our brothers and sisters and to bear their burdens, priorities so essential that the Bible equates these obligations with fulfilling the whole law of God (Rom. 13:8, Gal. 5:14).

Praying for others is also a means of exhorting them, of reminding them of truth from God’s Word, and of lifting up their heads and pointing them to Christ. As they hear our confident and tender prayers, the suffering brother or sister will be encouraged.

Online or in a text message, though, we tend to reply with a quick “Praying!” and click on. Sometimes, that's all we can do. And, it is certainly better than nothing.

But in these situations, I think it is best to pray out loud online--to share the exact words that we are at that moment bringing before the Lord. We don't do this to show off our eloquence or piety. We do this because prayer is a means of strengthening one another's faith and encouraging one another with our love.

First, it's good to say exactly who we are petitioning. Prayer is an activity of relationship—it is children talking to the Father whom they know and love. 

Not everyone understands this. Some people who see the social media post or receive the group text will mistakenly think prayer is nothing more than a good wish or a lucky charm. Out loud online prayers, then, affirm that true prayer is communication within an intimate relationship. 

We are praying to someone. And that someone is gracious and compassionate.

Even other Christians often need to be reminded that the sovereign, loving, and holy God hears and answers our prayers. He is the same God who once healed the sick, released the prisoners, comforted the grieving, and gave bread and fish to the hungry. Most of all, he is the God who took his enemies (us!) and made them his friends.

Knowing who we are praying to gives us confidence that he will hear and confidence that he does all of his holy will. Knowing that God has worked faithfully in similar situations gives us hope that he will act again. 

Praying to the One who healed ten men in one instant. . .

Praying to the God who made the borrowed axe-head float. . .

Praying to the Father who numbers the hairs of our heads. . .

Praying to the Lord who came to seek and save the lost. . .

It is also good to say exactly what we are asking. Christian prayer is not a vague mumbling or a meaningless mantra. Prayer is “an offering up of our desires unto God.”

Identifying exactly what we desire from the Lord will help us to evaluate whether it is something according to his revealed will and character. It will also help us to recognize his gracious answer when he gives it. And this, in turn, will allow us to give public thanks.

. . .praying that he would heal you.

. . .praying that he would allow you to find your missing object.

. . .praying that he would reveal his love for you as you meditate on his Word.

. . .praying that he would be at work in her soul.

And then I close my eyes, bow my head, and bring that before the Lord. It may not be as good as standing shoulder-to-shoulder, together at the Throne with my needy friend, but it is something. One day we will be together there—and I trust that all of our prayers and all of his answers will be fully revealed to the glory of Christ.  

Brothers and sisters, let us pray.

_____

You can purchase Praying Together from Amazon, Crossway, The PCA Bookstore, Westminster Bookstore, or Christianbook.com.

Dear Pastor's Wife, You Are Not Disadvantaged

I’m having second thoughts about those “serving your pastor’s wife” articles.

In 2011, Mark Driscoll wrote “Loving the Pastor’s Wife”; then, just a few weeks ago, a pastor named Ryan Huguley wrote a popular, and related, post called “6 Ways to Serve Your Pastor’s Wife on Sunday.” His list is very practical, especially tailored to the needs of women (like me!) who are married to the pastor of a small church and have small children. His six suggestions are: remember that Sundays are different for her, pray for her, have realistic expectations of her, encourage her, go talk to her, and don’t forget she has kids.

These articles are valuable. Thinking about how to serve one another, even thinking about how to serve certain groups of people with specific needs, is the way of Christ. I appreciate the compassion being advocated by these posts, and, when Huguley tells church members to bring their pastor’s wife a cup of coffee on Sunday morning, well, I certainly wouldn’t turn a dark roast down.

But, as a pastor’s wife, I’m not sure these kinds of posts establish a helpful way to think about myself.

First, they can aid my temptation to feel entitled. (Hey! Why don’t people in my church give me a hospitality allowance, save me a pew, designate my parking spot?)

But I think they can also create a false impression: pastors’ wives are disadvantaged.

Driscoll and Huguley both rightly say, “The pastor’s wife is simply to be a Christian church member like everyone else.” Agreed. But, coupled with the lists of needs and challenges, this statement seems contradictory. The pastor’s wife in their articles appears both deserving of special treatment and, at the same time, crippled in her efforts to be a Christian. True; you are not “more” because you are a pastor’s wife.

But you are not “less,” either.

I’d like to supplement Dricoll and Huguley’s well-intentioned posts with Five Precious Truths for a Pastor’s Wife on Sunday (or Any Day):

(1) You are not alone.

Do you dread worshipping without a husband beside you? Yes, says the elderly widow, three rows back, and the single woman who always slips in late. Do you struggle to be generous on a small budget? Yes, says the wife whose husband was laid off in October. Do you feel like people have unrealistic expectations of you?

Yes, says every woman everywhere.

Instead of allowing your struggles to isolate you from the body of Christ, feeling yourself to be in a unique category, you can use them to find connection with dozens of others who seek grace in the same situations.

(2) Your children are not a liability.

They squirm and squeal. They run up and down the aisles because, truly, they feel at home at church. And they have souls that will never die. Bringing them to church, paying attention to them, and helping them to become worshippers is not an inconvenience. It’s ministry.

(3) Your husband is helping you.

Yes, he is up front and you are in the fourth row. But he is preaching the words of life to your soul. How many women would love to have a husband who would even read his own Bible, let alone labor in the word for the good of his wife? On Sunday morning, standing in the pulpit, your husband is teaching you to become more like Christ. He is helping.

(4) Your worship is pleasing to God.

You may have been stopped by chatty church members on your way to worship. You may have kids and responsibilities and expectations and weariness and secret burdens. But none of that makes you unable to offer acceptable worship.

When you sing, you add your voice to the never-ending heavenly anthem. When you pray, your prayers fill the bowls in front of the very throne of God. When you listen to the Word, the Spirit goes to work in your heart, cultivating holiness.

When you worship God in the assembly of the saints, you please the Lord—which is your highest aim.

(5) You are being served.

Christ came “not to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45) Whether or not the members of your congregation bring you a gift card or a cup of dark roast, you have been served. Christ, the suffering servant, comes to you bearing eternal fellowship with Him.

It is more than enough.

Seeing You Again for the First Time

This weekend, I had the privilege of joining with the women of another church at their annual retreat. I ate with them, prayed with them, sang with them, played games with them, and even painted beside them. As we exchanged names and details about our lives, I was blessed by these sisters.

I’m quite sure, were I their pastor’s wife or a regular part of their church, I’d soon discover that they have their own set of struggles and challenges. (And don’t we all.) But as a near-stranger, and a visitor, my first thought was how well they adorned the gospel of Christ.

An older woman stood at one of the meals to give public thanks for the younger women who had energetically and selflessly picked up ministering to one another when the older women were unable to continue leading.

A group of several women gathered for prayer—focused not on their own needs, but on the needs of their pastor and his wife whose responsibilities had recently increased. They brought these two before the Throne, not as symbolic church leaders, but as real friends and true companions in the Lord.

Older women, Naomi-like, held babies on their knees so that the infants’ mothers could spend a moment in rest and fellowship. And when those babies began to wail, the older women quickly carried them out of earshot, prolonging the quiet moments for the exhausted mothers.

Younger women ran to the parking lot to drive their soccer-mom vans around to the door in order to whisk older women warmly and comfortably through the cold to the other building.

Two women quickly wrote the names of their children on pieces of paper and slipped them into each other’s purses with the whispered words, “Please pray.”

I don’t know what these women think when they reflect on their church. Maybe they are sometimes overwhelmed by the challenges within the body. But I hope that they also can see themselves with my visiting eyes: a beautiful group of women, selected by a loving God who “arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.” (1 Corinthians 12:18)

This Sunday, returning to my pew, fresh from two days as a visitor, I had new eyes for my own church. The light streaming through the pristine windows washed over their faces at a different angle, I was newly reminded of their gifts and graces, and I fell in love with them all over again.